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A Patrick Swayze Christmas is a Christmas carol written by Crow T. Robot, first performed in a host segment in the episode Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Inspired by his favorite film, the 1989 classic Road House, Crow decides that "there's no tradition like a new tradition" and writes this carol that he hopes will soon become a holiday classic. The song is written in 12/8 time in the key of A flat major.

Joel and Tom are initially uneasy about performing the song, and are further put off by the presence of an action sequence in the middle of the song. However, Crow invites them to sing on and they finish the carol. Tom complements the "tasteful introduction", but Joel is less than thrilled.

Lyrics

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We'll decorate a barstool and gather round and sing.
Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear...
(spoken)
Joel: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop the music. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
Crow: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
Joel: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
Crow: Well, then grab hold o' your socks, Joel Robinson, and read on!
Tom: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. (music)...Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
Crow: Thank you.
It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my bar.
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out his will!
Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all!



Songs
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Series "MST3K Love Theme" • "Mighty Science Theater"
Season K "O Tannenbot" • "Theme to Fugitive Alien" • "Has-Been Actors" • Joel's military cadence
Season 1 "Beverly Hillbillies Parody" • "Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn" • "Commando Cody Song" • "I'm a Hu-Man"
Season 2 "Sidehackin'" • "Only Love Pads the Film" • "My Creepy Girl" • "If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" • "Wild Rebels Cereal" • "I Like What I Know About You" • "Joey the Lemur" • "The Jet Jaguar Song" • "Godzilla Genealogy Bop"
Season 3 "Tibby, Oh Tibby" • "Idiot Control" • "Music from Some Guys in Space" • "A Clown in the Sky" • "Sandy Frank Song" • "Hike Your Pants Up" • "The Plate Spinning Song" • "Celebrity Siblings" • "The Gamera Song" • "Annoying Cornjob Song" • "The Many Tunes of Gamera" • "Slow the Plot Down" • "The Waffle Song" • "Fugitive Alien Medley" • "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" • "Master Ninja Theme Song" • "Satellite of Love Marching Song"
Season 4 "City Rap" • "Oh, Kim Cattrall" • "A Danger to Myself and Others" • "Killer Shrew" • "Tribute to Pants" • "Ode on Estelle" • "Happy Thoughts" • "Gypsy Moons" • "Gypsy Rose Me" • "Hired!"
Season 5 "What a Pleasant Journey" • "Girl in Lovers Lane Theme" • "The Janitor Song" • "My Wild Irish Ireland" • "Tubular Boobular Joy" • "Whispering Christmas Warrior" • "Merry Christmas...If That's Okay" • "Mystos" • "The Greatest Frank of All"
Season 6 "Cosmic Freight Train" • "Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter" • "Square Dance" • "Livin' in Deep 13" • "Tom Servo's Theme Song" • "Crow T. Robot's Theme Song" • "Mike Nelson's Theme Song" • "The United Servo Academy Men's Chorus Hymn" • "The Poopy Suit Anthem" • Supercalafragalisticexpiala-wacky!: "I'm the Government" / "I'm the Crime Bill" / "Government Gridlock" / "The Foreign Policy Blues" • "Bouncy Upbeat Song" • "Who Will I Kill?"
Season 7 "Phones" • "Leave Bronx"
Season 8 "Satellite Hootenanny" • "Digger Smolkin Medley" • "When I Held Your Brain in My Arms" • "The Funky Seventies" • "The Gods Jam" • "Sodium!" • "Loving Lovers Love"
Season 9 "Pumaman" • "Where, Oh Werewolf" • "Stay!" • "Hobgoblins" • "The Canada Song" • "Rowsdower Saves Us" • "Air on a Delta Knight"
Season 10 "Oh, I Am Sad" • "Bobo Creek" • "The Ballad of Goosio" • "To Earth"
Season 11 "Every Country Has a Monster" • "Our Love Is on Wings (You Can't See)" • "UFO" • "The Great Space Circus" • "Aloha" • "Moon 14 Mesozoic Ranch Dinosaur BBQ Theme" • "The Magic in You" • "Push Past the Hurting (When a Movie Hurts Too Much)
Season 12 "Get in Your Mech" • "Trippy Blob" • "Concepts!" • "Below the Dam" • "There's a Cut on My Hand and a Pain in My Heart" • "Your Horrible Show (Your Show Stinks)"
Season 13 "Perico March" • "Mother Crabber" • "Sing a Song for Jiger" • "Supervillainesses" • "Monster RSVP" • "Hooray for Santa Claus" • "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas"
Additional "Satellite of Love" • "1997 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "1998 Academy of Robots Choice Awards Special" • "1998 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "#BringBackMST3K Theme" • "#WeBroughtBackMST3K Theme" • "Teen Reporter, Tom Servo"
Collections Clowns in the SkyClowns in the Sky IIClowns in the Sky I & IIMST3K: The ReturnSongs in the Key of MSTThe New Themes of MST3KThe Complete Clowns in the SkyMST3K Seasons 12 + 13
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