372 Pages We'll Never Get Back is a podcast produced by Michael J. Nelson and Conor Lastowka (a writer for RiffTrax). It was launched in September of 2017.
The podcast initially featured the two men discussing the pop-culture-laden novels of author Ernest Cline. They later went on to other novels of dubious distinction.
In August of 2024, the podcast went on hiatus while Mike Nelson was incapacitated. Conor recorded some additional supplemental material for Patreon with other co-hosts.
Works Discussed[]
- Ready Player One by Ernest Cline
- Armada by Ernest Cline
- The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis
- TekWar by William Shatner
- The Forensic Certified Public Accountant and the Cremated 64-SQUARES Financial Statements by Dwight David Thrash
- Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff by Sean Penn
- The Mister by E.L. James
- Trucking Through Time by Charles E. Harris
- Lair of the White Worm by Bram Stoker
- Shadow Moon by George Lucas and Chris Claremont
- Moon People (aka Moon People Vol. 1 The Age of Aquarius) by Dale M. Courtney
- Digital Fortress by Dan Brown
- My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie (aka xxxbloodyrists666xxx)
- Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer
- Ready Player Two by Ernest Cline
- The Quilters Push Back: Miranda Hathaway Adventure #7 by Mary Devlin Lynch, Debbie Devlin Zook, and Beth Devlin-Keune
- Modelland by Tyra Banks
- Irene Iddlesleigh by Amanda Mckittrick Ros
- Antigua: The Land of Fairies, Wizards and Heroes by Larry Ellis and Denise Brown Ellis
- Gump & Co. by Winston Groom
- Super Constitution by Charles Kim
- Murder in Christmas River: A Christmas Cozy Mystery (Christmas River Cozy, Book 1) by Meg Muldoon
- Edison's Conquest of Mars by Garrett P. Serviss
- Artemis by Andy Weir
- The Starlight Barking by Dodie Smith
- Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book I) The Land of Moepek by Larry Ellis and Denise Brown Ellis
- A Killer Christmas Affair: A Cozy Mystery (A Sunflower Farms Cozy Mystery), Book 1 of 1: A Sunflower Farms Cozy Mystery by Sussie Jordan
- Kaileb's Dream by Kaileb Varney (with illustrations by Tiffany Varney)
- Bridge to Bat City by Ernest Cline
- Tek Kill (TekWar Book 8) by William Shatner
- The Quilting Cruise: Miranda Hathaway Adventure #9 by Mary Devlin Lynch and Beth Devlin-Keune
- The Legend of Rah and the Muggles by Nancy K. Stouffer
- Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover
- Night of the Crabs by Guy N. Smith
Running Gags[]
As the podcast has progressed, some phrases or references have emerged as a shorthand for certain reactions or phenomena.
- Fans of the podcast (especially Patreon supporters) are referred to as "Jackals". This was inspired by an off-the-cuff comment from Conor during a special video made for Patreon around the time that they were reading Lair of the White Worm.
- "Settle down." - This is invoked as a piece of advice that Conor or Mike would give to an author when they encounter a passage that indicates that the author was especially enthusiastic about a particular idea, situation, or their own writing. This can also take the form of "A firm settle down".
- "Grandpa, no!" - Similar to "settle down", this is invoked when Conor and Mike encounter a passage (typically written by an older male author) that is explicitly sexual in a way that indicates that the author is indulging a personal fetish or fantasy. This was especially common during Super Constitution.
- "...Said the robot pimp disdainfully." - This phrase occurs early in the novel TekWar. Mike and Conor found it emblematic of the novel's overall tone and style (that being "science-fiction that is self-important but also sleazy"). They have since played with adding this phrase to any other pieces of dialogue that they find to be especially poorly-written or pretentious.
- "Bleriana" - In The Mister, the female protagonist refers to another character named Bleriana. Bleriana is described in significant detail and seems to be very important to the main character, giving the readers the impression that she will enter the story at some point, but she never does. "Bleriana" has since become shorthand on the podcast for a character, object, or idea that is introduced as if it will be relevant to the narrative, but then turns out not to be. It can also be used as a verb, as in "getting Blerianaed" or "being Blerianaed", which would indicate an idea that is introduced by the author then discarded. Mike and Conor later learned that Bleriana is apparently a significant character in the sequel novel to The Mister.
- "... A variety of 80s dance moves." - This phrase occurs in the novel Ready Player Two when the author is describing a large group of people dancing. It has since become shorthand for any piece of writing that Mike and Conor find to be comically non-specific. It is usually interpreted as an indication of laziness or indecisiveness on the part of the author.
- The 372 Players - This is fictional group of actors that the podcast hires to act out portions of the books they are reading. The 372 Players are sometimes Mike, Conor, and/or Bridget Nelson (making little-to-no effort to disguise their voices), but have also been computer-generated voices (so as to play up the awkward, unnatural dialogue that they are performing). An additional running joke involves the 372 Players being paid exorbitant amounts of money for their services, which is taken out of the podcast's nebulous "funds".
- The Dark Web - This refers to areas of the internet is which activities of questionable legal or ethical status take place. Mike and Conor will sometimes refer to searching the Dark Web for "deleted" portions of the book they are reading, or speculative fiction/re-enactments produced by the book's "fans".
Quotes & References[]
- Conor Lastowka will occasionally use the name "Hot Property" when referring to some obscure or unknown performing group. This is a reference to a bit of comedian Norm MacDonald's stand-up act, in which he satirizes the TV talent show Star Search. MacDonald used "Hot Property" as an example of a typically banal name that a dance troupe might use.
- Mike Nelson and Conor sometimes compare characters in the books to a sleazy character named Don Dimello. Dimello is a theatrical director played by comedian Andy Daly in several podcasts and TV series. Dimello uses his position as a director to indulge his perversions, and he often speaks in a guttural voice about the demeaning things he makes women do to entertain him.