"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" is a song performed by TV's Frank at the conclusion of Experiment #206.


[On The Satellite of Love]
Joel Robinson: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick, making us watch a whole other movie again.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more RIDICULOUS!
Tom Servo: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could rule the world?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah!

[In Deep 13]
TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at the end. Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here. If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idea. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number.

[Frank is revealed to be in a cardboard limousine. He exits, leaving Dr. Clayton Forrester sitting in the back, reading a paper. Frank puts on white gloves and a chauffer's hat.]


If chauffeurs ruled the world
It's what I'd like to see
'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me

I wouldn't have to drive
I wouldn't have to steer
'Cause all would bow down before me
In total abject fear

All the gorgeous dames
Would worship at my feet!
Why, I could have any one of them I want
Even Meryl Steep

I'd have complete respect
Of everyone on the planet
Including intellectuals
Even David Mamet

[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester, angering him.]

Tell me, why do I have to take
Orders from this guy?
I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease and
Watch him slowly die

Dr. Forrester: That's enough, Frank.

If chauffeurs ruled the world

Dr. Forrester: That's enough, Frank! Frank!

Is what I'd like to see

[Dr. F. picks up the cardboard limo and dumps it over Frank's head.]

Dr. Forrester: That's enough!

'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me

[Dr. F. dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]

Dr. Forrester: That's enough, Frank.

[On the SOL]
Joel Robinson: We think your song is
All: Fabulous!

[In Deep 13]
FRANK [choked with tears]
If chauffeurs ruled the world
It's what I'd like to see
But I guess some other palooka will rule the world
Not me

Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Judy Garland. Just push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?
Dr. Forrester: Oh, for crying out loud! [pushes button]


Performed by Frank Conniff with interjections by Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson and Kevin Murphy

Series "MST3K Love Theme" • "Mighty Science Theater"
Season K "O Tannenbot" • "Theme to Fugitive Alien" • "Has-Been Actors" • Joel's military cadence
Season 1 "Beverly Hillbillies Parody" • "Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn" • "Commando Cody Song" • "I'm a Hu-Man"
Season 2 "Sidehackin'" • "Only Love Pads the Film" • "My Creepy Girl" • "Wild Rebels Cereal" • "If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" • "Joey the Lemur" • "The Jet Jaguar Song" • "Godzilla Genealogy Bop"
Season 3 "Tibby, Oh Tibby" • "Idiot Control" • "Music from Some Guys in Space" • "A Clown in the Sky" • "Hike Your Pants Up" • "Celebrity Siblings" • "The Gamera Song" • "Annoying Cornjob Song" • "Slow the Plot Down" • "The Plate Spinning Song" • "The Waffle Song" • "Fugitive Alien Medley" • "Sandy Frank Song" • "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" • "Master Ninja Theme Song"
Season 4 "City Rap" • "Oh, Kim Cattrall" • "A Danger to Myself and Others" • "Killer Shrew" • "Tribute to Pants" • "Satellite of Love Marching Song" • "Ode on Estelle" • "Gypsy Moons" • "Hired!" • "The Many Tunes of Gamera" • "Gypsy Rose Me" • "Happy Thoughts"
Season 5 "What a Pleasant Journey" • "The Janitor Song" • "My Wild Irish Ireland" • "Tubular Boobular Joy" • "Whispering Christmas Warrior" • "Merry Christmas...If That's Okay" • "Mystos" • "Girl in Lovers Lane Theme" • "The Greatest Frank of All"
Season 6 "Cosmic Freight Train" • "Livin' in Deep 13" • "Tom Servo's Theme Song" • "Crow T. Robot's Theme Song" • "Mike Nelson's Theme Song" • "United Servo Academy Men's Chorus Hymn" • "The Poopy Suit Anthem" • "Supercalafragalisticexpiala-wacky!" • "Bouncy Upbeat Song" • "Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter" • "Who Will I Kill?"
Season 7 "Phones"
Season 8 "The Gods Jam" • "The Funky Seventies" • "Sodium!" • "Loving Lovers Love" • "Satellite Hootenanny" • "Digger Smolkin Medley" • "When I Held Your Brain in My Arms"
Season 9 "Rowsdower Saves Us" • "Air on a Delta Knight" • "The Canada Song" • "Hobgoblins" • "Where, Oh Werewolf" • "Stay!" • " Puma Man"
Season 10 "Oh, I Am Sad" • "Bobo Creek" • "The Ballad of Goosio" • "To Earth"
Season 11 "Every Country Has a Monster" • "Our Love Is on Wings (You Can't See)" • "UFO" • "The Great Space Circus" • "Aloha" • "Moon 14 Mesozoic Ranch Dinosaur BBQ Theme" • "The Magic in You" • "Push Past the Hurting (When a Movie Hurts Too Much)
Season 12 "Get in Your Mech" • "Trippy Blob" • "Concepts!" • "Below the Dam" • "There's a Cut on My Hand and a Pain in My Heart" • "Your Horrible Show (Your Show Stinks)"
Season 13 "The Perico Loyalty Club March" • "Sing a Song for Jiger"
Additional "Satellite of Love" • "1997 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "1998 Academy of Robots Choice Awards Special" • "1998 Summer Blockbuster Review Theme" • "#BringBackMST3K Theme" • "#WeBroughtBackMST3K Theme" • "Satellite of Love" • "Teen Reporter, Tom Servo"
Collections Clowns in the SkyClowns in the Sky IIClowns in the Sky I & IIMystery Science Theater 3000: The Return (Music from the Netflix Original Series)Songs in the Key of MSTThe New Themes of MST3KThe Complete Clowns in the Sky