|“||His arteries are just looking at each other, shakin' their heads.||”|
|— Crow T. Robot (seeing Joe Don Baker drink a whole glass of milk at once)|
- Main article: Final Justice (film)
Thomas Jefferson Geronimo (Joe Don Baker) is a deputy sheriff working in a small town in South Texas. When two mafia hit men try to escape across the border to Mexico, Geronimo - with the skill of a quick-draw gunfighter - kills one and captures the other. When Geronimo tries to take his prisoner to Italy for extradition, they find themselves on an unplanned layover in Malta.
Geronimo's prisoner escapes, and the Texas lawman must battle the Mafia and local law enforcement to finish the job he started.
Prologue: Tom and Mike consider the unexplored implications of the Yes song "Owner of a Lonely Heart". Tom is insistent that the band should have considered every possible permutation of "The owner of a lonely heart, is much better than—".
Segment One: Whenever Mike and the Bots say, "Owner of a lonely heart," they're assaulted by a Yes orchestra hit, while down in Castle Forrester, Pearl attempts to raise productivity through humor, but she doesn't approve of the type of humor demonstrated by the SOL crew or Bobo.
Segment Two: Disturbed by the sequence where Greydon Clark is shot and slides down the wall twice, Mike and the Bots strive to point out how annoying this is to Pearl. She eventually caves and promises to never send another Joe Don Baker movie where a dark-haired sheriff in a small role is shot and slides down the same wall twice.
Segment Three: Goosio, friend to Maltese children everywhere, arrives on the SOL as a goodwill ambassador, but the bots think it's a joke by Mike and brutally dismember the poor lovable goose. Oops.
Segment Four: Crow has written an essay on the wonder and splendor of Malta. It also includes a great deal of slander against the men of Malta.
Closing (Segment Five): Mike erroneously assumes that because Joel was able to escape after watching a bad Joe Don Baker film that it must now be his turn to escape. The Bots gently point out that, regrettably, it's not and tell him to come upstairs for some Swiss Miss. Mike asks if they can watch a good Joe Don Baker film, but Crow assures him that would never happen. Meanwhile down in Castle Forrester, Pearl's funny dress-up day gets a scary dose of reality from Brain Guy.
Stinger: Geronimo's catch phrase: "Yew think yew kin take me? Go 'head on. It's yer move."
- Michael J. Nelson - Mike Nelson
- Mary Jo Pehl - Pearl Forrester
- Bill Corbett - Crow T. Robot / Brain Guy
- Kevin Murphy - Tom Servo / Professor Bobo
- Patrick Brantseg - Gypsy
- This episode is notable for the relentless mocking of Joe Don Baker, particularly regarding his weight and hygiene. The reason the mockery directed at him was so merciless was due to Baker's reported hostile reaction to MST3K's treatment of his film Mitchell during the 5th season.
- Like all the R-rated movies shown on the show, the network had to remove some content. Most notable is Joe Don Baker's constant use of "son of a bitch" with the expletive portion replaced by silence.
- The uncut version of the film contains more controversial moments, such as showing an implied assault on one of the drug lord's dancers, as well as a topless moment from another female lead. Surprisingly, none of the violence is cut out in the MST3K version (possibly due to it being quick and not excessively bloody, and/or because it would've harmed the film's continuity). The edit used on the show cuts out profanity that is both present in other movies and used by the SOL gang themselves (such as "son of a bitch" and "bastard").
- This film (along with Girl in Gold Boots and Hamlet) is one of the three films during MST3K's time on the SciFi Channel to not fit into the usual horror/fantasy/sci-fi areas. Unlike Comedy Central, SciFi did not want MST3K to riff on movies outside those genres, but as they knew this would be their final season, the MST crew decided to do a few "straight" movies they felt were worth it.
- As noted in the callbacks, Greydon Clark is referred to in the riffing as the producer of Hobgoblins. However, he has no known connection to that movie, with Rick Sloane being the actual producer.
- "Some enchanted evening—"
- "We have to cross the river into Italy."
When Julius Caesar led his legion across the Rubicon river into Italy, he deliberately broke the law on imperium and made armed conflict inevitable.
- There are a few references to Mitchell, a previously riffed movie also starring Joe Don Baker, most of which involve continuing a running gag from Mitchell of Joe Don constantly asking for more food (often butter).
- "Jon Lovitz refuses a drink."
Jon Lovitz, a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live during the late '80s and early '90s, voiced the title character on the short-lived animated sitcom The Critic, and later appeared in a series of commercials for the fast-food chain Subway. The man refusing a drink resembles him.
- "Do you know John Wayne?" "Gacy, yes!"
Serial killer John Wayne Gacy, known as the Killer Clown, sexually assaulted and murdered at least 33 young men and boys during the 1970s.
- "His boots are from Gateway computers."
- "The one on the right is the Miles Davis of strippers."
Legendary jazz trumpeter Miles Davis was known for performing with his back to the audience.
- "Oh Kermie! Take a look at my good stuff!"
- "None of them are spongeworthy."
A reference to a Seinfeld episode in which Elaine struggles to decide whether her current boyfriend is worthy of using one of her stockpiled and preferred (but now-discontinued) brand of contraceptive sponge.
- "John Rhys-Davies for sale!"
The diminutive bearded man standing in the background bears some resemblance to actor John Rhys-Davies. When this episode aired, he was known for his role as Sallah in two of the three Indiana Jones films. He would later play Gimli in The Lord of the Rings film trilogy.
- "I'm just going to read a sermon from a Robert James Waller book."
- "Hey, he's a felonious monk!"
A punning reference to jazz musician Thelonious Monk.
- "Bon voyage Joe Don... I'm off to make Xerox commercials!"
- "I really don't care for this remake of A Lion in Winter."
The Lion in Winter is a 1966 play by James Goldman about King Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine and their struggles for the British throne. The reference is made during a dungeon scene, and dungeons are featured prominently in the play.
- "Boy, Up with People sure has changed."
Up with People is a nonprofit organization that uses travel, the performing arts, volunteering, and various workshops to teach young adults how to interact in a multi-cultural environment and create change in communities with varying needs.
- "Pirini Scleroso confesses."
- "I'm glad it's a Nudie Suit in name only."
Designer Nudie Cohn's "Nudie Suits" were decorative, sometimes rhinestone-covered suits made for and worn by many celebrities, including Elvis Presley, Hank Williams, Gene Autry, and Elton John.
- Mike: Aw, can't I have just one more justice?
- [Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]
- Crow: In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times!
- [The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]
- Palermo: [After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.] You son of a-- [Audio edit]!
- Mike: ...what?
- Servo: Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe?
- . . .
- Palermo: You son of a-- [Audio edit]!
- Servo [as Palermo]: Uh... something!
- . . .
- Geronimo: Get off your knees, you son of a-- [Audio edit]!
- Mike [as Geronimo]: Same thing you said!
- . . .
- Palermo: I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- [Audio edit]!
- Servo [as Palermo]: I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!
- . . .
- [Much, much later in the movie...]
- Mike: Hey, maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- [Audio edit]!"
- Geronimo: You've got the right to remain silent.
- Mike: Oh, he is a real cop!
- Geronimo: [Knocks the suspect out.] And all that other ****.
- Mike: ...oh.
- [Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]
- Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
- Mike [as Wilson]: That's hard to do!
- Crow: Guests of Final Justice fly TWA.
- Mike: Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.
- [Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.]
- Servo: Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil!
- [In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]
- Mike [as Announcer]: Cars provided by Matchbox.
- Maltese taxi driver: Do you know John Wayne?
- Mike [as Geronimo]: Gacy, yes!
- [Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]
- Crow: Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts!
- . . .
- [As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]
- Servo: And God sends a door chassis from Heaven.
- [In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]
- Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.
- Geronimo: Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
- Crow [as Geronimo]: Can I get a balloon?
- [Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
- Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
- . . .
- Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
- [Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
- Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.
- [In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]
- Servo: Our hero: a big, stinky cheater!
- Commercially released on DVD by Shout! Factory in February 2009 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 14, a 4-DVD set with The Mad Monster, Manhunt in Space, and Soultaker. The set has been out of print since 2016.
- The episode was subsequently reissued in September 2018 as part of Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Lost and Found Collection.
|preceded by: Season 9||MST3K Season 10||followed by: Season 11|
|1001||Soultaker||1999-04-11||1006||Boggy Creek II||1999-05-09||1011||Horrors of Spider Island||1999-07-25|
|1002||Girl in Gold Boots||1999-04-18||1007||Track of the Moon Beast||1999-06-13||1012||Squirm||1999-08-01|
|1003||Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders||1999-09-18||1008||Final Justice||1999-06-20||1013||Diabolik||1999-08-08|
|1005||Blood Waters of Dr. Z||1999-05-02||1010||It Lives by Night||1999-07-18|