Woah! Seen him in my nightmares...
- Tom, reacting to a large cartoon clown image

Hey, what a coincidence; there are two guys named Bill Rebane! Y'know, cause you see, with the... and the - the guy that... this is gonna suck.
- Crow expressing his reluctance to watch the movie.

The Short[]



The short is called Circus on Ice. It features women in striped suits on leashes, simulated gunshots and lots of the color pink.


  • Jacqueline du Bief, who performs the solo piece as a dying fawn, won the ladies world figure-skating title in Paris in 1952, and earned a bronze medal at the Olympics in Oslo that same year.[1]
  • The print of the film that Best Brains used is of a low quality, which is especially noticeable at the beginning and end of the short as being slightly jumpy and scratchy (to the point in which Tom Servo makes a joke about it as the film is ending).

The Movie[]

Main article: Monster A-Go Go (film)


An astronaut goes missing during the re-entry process. A mysterious humanoid monster goes on a rampage.

The Episode[]

Host Segments[]


Johnny Longtorso

Prologue: The Bots have constructed a cheese factory aboard the SOL. They use Joel's sneakers to add a bit of extra flavor.


Gypsy doesn't get Crow

Segment One (Invention Exchange): The Mads and the SOL crew compete in an action figure contest, and if the SOL wins, they get to watch Local Hero, and if they lose, they must watch Monster A-Go-Go. The Mads have Johnny Longtorso, whose body parts are each sold separately to maximize revenue. Gypsy immediately decries the Mads as evil for making such a product. Joel lets the bots show off their nonviolent, educational action figures: Tom's figure is Action OxfordCrow's is a tapeworm (the doll is just the host organism) and Gypsy's is Wilma Rudolph. Impartial judge TV's Frank declares that Deep 13 the winner.

Monster a-go-go Host

The Bots and their cheese factory

Segment Two: Gypsy doesn’t get Crow. After trying to help her figure out why (with also presenting some interesting technical information about himself), she comes to the conclusion it's actually Tom she doesn't get. Tom doesn't care - he's the wind, baby.

Segment Three: Joel and Tom play "keep away" from Crow.

Segment Four: Joel tries to explain "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" to Crow and Tom. The bots identify what they consider to be the song's many flaws, and nothing is resolved.

Segment Five: Joel makes Servo a Happy King and knights Crow as Sir Giggles von Laffsalot, but they're so despondent over the movie that there's just no cheering them up. Tom is so emotionally broken that he is driven to suicide via throwing himself out an air lock before Joel holds him back.

Stinger: The "monster" shambles about awkwardly.

MST3K Cast[]


  • The host segments in this episode are unusual in the Joel era in that none of them have anything to do with the movie, or each other. In The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide the writers explained that since the film was so disconnected and theme-less, the segments would be as well.
  • The Johnny Longtorso name is a call back/reference to a riff made during Experiment #104.
  • Nearly the entire cast of the show and Best Brains stated this was officially the worst movie they had ever seen up to this point.
  • Kevin Murphy has noted that Local Hero is his favorite film.
  • The Rupert Holmes song "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" was off his 1979 album Partners in Crime. Holmes' song "Timothy" was recorded in 1971 by The Buoys, who never had another song that was as successful.
  • With regards to the song "Timothy"- Joel was either mistaken or trying to soften the story for the Bots. "Timothy" was about an instance of cannibalism that occurred between three trapped miners. Record executives had to sell the idea to radio stations that Timothy was a mule (not a duck as Joel suggested) in order to get the song played.
  • In MST3K lore, the narration "There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed" has occasionally become misquoted as "There was no monster."
  • None of the cast or writers are quite sure where the "Hum de de de de de/Hoo-ah hoo-ah" ditty that Crow (and later Tom) hum just before and during Host Segment 2 comes from. At a Cinematic Titanic show, Trace Beaulieu said he vaguely remembered that Paul Chaplin came up with it, but wasn't sure.

Obscure References[]

  • "Burned on re-entry, huh?"
A phrase used in writer Tom Wolfe's novel The Right Stuff.
  • "You've got your circus on my ice! You've got your ice on my circus! Two bad things that go worse together!"
In the 1970s and 1980s, a series of commercials were run for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups featuring situations in which two people, one eating peanut butter and one eating chocolate, collided. One person would exclaim, "You got your peanut butter on my chocolate!" and the other would exclaim, "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" They would then sample the mixture and remark on the great taste, tying in with the slogan "Two great tastes that taste great together."
  • "Uh... I'd like a sloe gin circus." "I'd like mine straight up!"
A play on the title 'Circus on Ice,' referencing popular cocktails (i.e. Sloe Gin Fizz, etc.)
  • "Is this a Max Fleischer cartoon?"
In reference to the credits (which look like old cartoon credits.) Max Fleischer was an innovative animator in the first half of the 20th century responsible for animated shorts dealing with such iconic characters as Betty Boop and Popeye, among others.
  • "Hey, it's Bella Abzug!"
Bella Abzug was a notable Women's Rights advocate and a Congresswoman from New York State.
  • "They are soon returned to their lives of quiet desperation."
Henry David Thoreau commented on the (supposedly) mundane lives of people in his iconic work Walden, in which he claimed that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
  • "Prelude to the Afternoon of a Murder."
Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun is a symphonic poem for orchestra by Claude Debussy inspired by the poem "The Afternoon of a Faun" by Stéphane Mallarmé. This is a pun based on the narrator's previous reference to the skater as a "fawn" in the forest.
  • "It's Billy Pilgrim!"
Billy Pilgrim, protagonist of Kurt Vonnegut's novel Slaughterhouse-Five, wore a pair of boots that had been spray-painted silver for a production of Cinderella in a POW camp where he had been held.
  • "Hey... it's that new L.A. club."
The Whisky a Go Go, a nightclub in West Hollywood, opened in 1964. It has been the launching pad for many bands.
  • "Oh, I though it was going to be Munster, Go Home!"
Munster, Go Home! is a theatrical film based on the popular TV show.
  • "What's it all about?" "Alfie!"
"What's it all about?" is the tagline for the film Alfie and the opening line from a popular song by Burt Bacharach and Hal David inspired by the film.
  • "Women are pulled apart like fresh bread."
An excerpt from Spalding Gray's Swimming to Cambodia.
  • "Let's see here... Rumple Tweezer the good fairy lived under the Dum-Dum tree and got WHAT?!"
This is a reference to a sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus wherein Eric Idle's character tries to read children stories which quickly turn adult.
  • "I'm going to spit on you... just a little spittle."
A reference to Baron Harkonnen's line in Dune.
  • "A strange object had fallen to Earth." "A Coke bottle!"
A reference to the cult favorite film The Gods Must Be Crazy, in which a pilot drops an empty coke bottle over the Kalahari Desert, where it disrupts the lives of the natives.
  • "Hey, good-lookin'! We'll be back to pick you up later!"
This is from the commercial for the novelty item Mr. Microphone by Ronco, which used standard radios as amplifiers. A curly-haired youth in a passing car said this line to a person on the sidewalk. The sound quality of Mr. Microphone was notoriously poor, much like the audio quality in much of this movie.
  • "(melodic humming)"
Joel and the 'bots are singing the tune of the song "Suicide Is Painless", theme song to the M*A*S*H film and television series.
  • "They're talkin' to Charlie Brown's mom."
In the Charlie Brown TV specials, the voices of adults were typically represented by the sounds of a muffled trumpet, not actual voices.
  • "Thank goodness Les Paul is backing them up on guitar..."
Les Paul was a successful guitarist and inventor. He made several innovations in electric guitar technology.
  • "I think this is the movie version of Darkness Visible by William Styron."
Darkness Visible is a 1990 memoir by author William Styron (who wrote The Confessions of Nat Turner and Sophie's Choice). It chronicles his struggle with clinical depression.
  • "Yeeeeesssss?"
Crow is mimicking the voice of performer Frank Nelson, who made frequent appearances on The Jack Benny Program (radio and television), typically in service roles. The character was alternatively unctuous and sarcastic. He played similar characters on several episodes of I Love Lucy, Make Room for Daddy, and other TV shows. The character has since become a "type", being played by other actors in a variety of formats.
  • "Robert Goulet and Martin Milner - They're cops."
Robert Goulet was a singer and actor known for his thick dark wavy hair and moustache. Martin Milner was a blond actor who co-starred on the TV series Route 66 and Adam-12.
  • "He's rather Dr. Bellows-esque."
Dr. Bellows is the NASA psychiatrist who is often flummoxed by his encounters with Major Tony Nelson on the TV sitcom I Dream of Jeannie. He was played by Hayden Rorke (of Project Moon Base).
  • "I'm Percy Dovetonsils."
Percy Dovetonsils is an effeminate poet character created and performed by Ernie Kovacs.
  • "Hey, General! Midasize it, huh?" "Rattle rattle, thunder clatter, boom boom boom!"
"Midasize it" was a slogan for the Midas chain of repair shops in the late-1970s to early 80s. "Rattle rattle, thunder clatter, boom boom boom" was part of the jingle for Car-X, a different chain of auto repair shops that specialized in exhaust systems.
  • "Oh, they decided to go to Shakey's!"
Shakey's Pizza is a restaurant chain that was popular during the 1960s and '70s. Its restaurants are now found mainly in Asia and Southern California.
  • "Hello, Laverne." "Hello, Shirl."
Joel and Tom are copying the vocal style of Lenny and Squiggy, the lascivious but well-meaning greasers who worked with (and lived near) Laverne and Shirley on the TV sitcom Laverne & Shirley.
  • "Oh, it's The Patty Duke Show!"
The Patty Duke Show is a TV sitcom about cousins who looked identical but had wildly different personalities. Patty loved rock & roll and fast-paced dancing, as was demonstrated in the opening credits.
  • "Rock, rock, rock, rock, Rock 'n' Roll High School!"
Joel and the 'Bots are singing the theme song from Rock 'n' Roll High School, a 1979 movie featuring the Ramones.
  • "Well, there's Lenny Bruce over there..."
Lenny Bruce was an often-controversial stand-up comedian who was popular and influential in the 1960s.
  • "A sullen Jack Kerouac pulls on a jay in the middle of the room..."
Jack Kerouac was an influential figure in the beat poetry movement. A "jay" is slang for "joint", a marijuana cigarette. Both Kerouac and Lenny Bruce (see above) would have been unlikely to attend a "square" party like the one shown in the film.
  • "What is this, the Lloyd Thaxton Show?"
Lloyd Thaxton was a record producer with a popular TV show in the '60s featuring dancing teens (à la American Bandstand).
  • "Django Reinhardt tunes up his guitar."
Django Reinhardt was a revolutionary traveling Belgian jazz guitarist active from the late 20s through early 50s.
  • "Here in my car, I feel safest of all..."
Tom is quoting the Gary Numan song "Cars".
  • "The Thin Blue Line!"
"The Thin Blue Line between Order and Chaos" is an expression used to describe the role of police in society (as police uniforms are typically blue). This phrase has influenced several films and television shows.
  • "Beeeeee-ohhhhhhhh..."
A reference to old ads for Lifebuoy soap, which used a foghorn to alert people that they had B.O. (body odor).
  • "Thank goodness my Allstate man was on the scene."
Allstate is an automobile insurance company. Their ads often promote their agents' quick responses to incidents.
  • "My God!" "Jump back, kiss myself!"
Tom is referring to the lyrics of singer James Brown's song "Super Bad".
  • "I am a fugitive from a chain gang."
I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang is a 1932 film about a wrongfully-convicted man who escapes from a chain gang.
  • "Ravi Shankar is tuning up, I think."
Ravi Shankar was an influential sitar player.
  • "Shove Mr. Hoffa over, there..."
A reference to Jimmy Hoffa, the controversial labor union organizer who was suspected of having ties to organized crime, and whose disappearance was never explained. He was declared legally dead in 1982.
  • "What is this, Chinese music torture?"
A joke on Chinese water torture (first described by Hippolytus de Marsiliis), an ancient and subtle form of torment involving drops of water falling on the victim's forehead.
  • "Hey he's good at that, he should be on Carson."
The implication is that the bird calls heard on the soundtrack are being performed by the actor on screen. Tonight Show host Johnny Carson would occasionally have members of the Piedmont High School Birdcallers Club on his talk show to perform their talents.
  • "He brought a bottle of TJ Swann!"
TJ Swann is a now-defunct brand of wine.
  • "Mr. Hobbs takes a vacation..."
Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation is a 1962 comedy film starring Jimmy Stewart about a banker whose vacation in a dilapidated beach house is beset by problems.
  • "Dog and Butterfly, he likes to fly..."
Lyrics from the song "Dog & Butterfly" by American rock band Heart from their 1978 album of the same name.
  • "A young Ghermezian brother scouts locations."
The Ghermezian family is a Canadian family of Iranian Armenian origin who have developed several of the world's largest shopping malls. The family's holdings include the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota.
  • "How not to be seen..."
A well-known Monty Python sketch.
  • "Oh this is where Van Gogh painted his famous Crows in Corn." "Crows in Corn?"
Joel is actually referring to Van Gogh's supposed last painting Wheatfield with Crows, which is also believed to be the painting he completed before fatally shooting himself.
  • "He's looking for Nolan Ryan so he can clock his fastball."
Major League Baseball pitcher Nolan Ryan consistently threw pitches at speeds exceeding 100mph. The "radiation detector" in the film resembles a speed detector.
  • "Let's see... 'I think I know whose woods these are'... no, no..."
Tom is suggesting that Henry is mis-remembering the opening line to Robert Frost's poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening", which is "Whose woods these are I think I know."
  • "Now with the Wagner Power Painter, you can paint the whole forest in a day!"
Wagner Spray Tech is a company that makes power paint sprayers for industrial and consumer use.
  • "Designer Karl Lagerfield."
Crow slightly mis-pronounces the name of fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld, who served as creative director for Chanel and Fendi during his career. In the 1980s, he emphasized bulky, big-shouldered look. Crow may be making a joke because the character is standing in a field at the time.
  • "Ah, so this is what happened to Robert Vesco."
Robert Vesco was an American financier who fled the country in 1973 to avoid criminal prosecution for securities fraud and illegal political campaign contributions.
  • "Mo Udall!"
A reference to Mo Udall, a former Arizona congressman, player for the Denver Nuggets basketball team, and 1976 Democratic presidential nominee hopeful. He was 6'5" tall.
  • "Five!" "Three, sir!"
A quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
  • "Hey it's Sununu going to get a haircut!"
A reference to the scandal involving George H. W. Bush's White House Chief of Staff John H. Sununu using government planes for personal purposes. A similar joke is used in Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie.
  • "...and my book of S & H Green Stamps."
Green Stamps were a loyalty program used by thousands of merchants throughout the country from the 1930s through the 90s, though the 60s were their heyday. They could be collected in books and redeemed for various kinds of merchandise.
  • "He's a regular Evelyn Wood, isn't he?"
Evelyn Wood invented a method of speed reading.
  • "Later, over lunch with Wally Shawn..."
A reference to the popular art film My Dinner with Andre written by and starring Wallace Shawn and André Gregory.
  • "They're making imposter fragrances!"
Imposter fragrances, marketed as smelling like but costing significantly less than expensive perfume brands, were often advertised on daytime television during the 1980s.
  • "It was a good Martin last night. 'What up?'!"
Martin is a TV sitcom starring comedian Martin Lawrence that premiered in 1992. Lawrence played a radio personality whose catchphrase was "What Up?".
  • "This is what happens when you're trapped in an Ionesco play."
Playwright Eugene Ionesco was a leading figure in the Theatre of the absurd movement, whose plays often dealt with banal situations and featured dialogue full of intentional non-sequitur.
  • "Return to violence!"
Tom Servo sings this line to the tune of the 1962 Elvis Presley hit "Return to Sender".
  • "We wuz too late!"
From a less well-known Monty Python sketch "The Bishop".
  • "Hey, it's the musical stairs from the Science Museum."
The Science Museum of Minnesota has a staircase in which each stair plays a different musical note when stepped on.
  • "From there he looks like Skitch Henderson..."
Lyle Russe "Skitch" Henderson was a British-born musician and composer who served as the original bandleader for The Tonight Show. He wore a Van Dyke beard similar to the character seen here.
  • "Time keeps on slippin' slippin'... Oh what a lucky man he was!"
Referencing hit songs "Fly Like an Eagle" (1977) and "Lucky Man" (1970) by Steve Miller Band and Emerson, Lake & Palmer respectively, to which the soundtrack at this point bears a slight resemblance.
  • "The call is coming from within the laboratory!"
The babysitter and the man upstairs is an urban legend that dates back to the 1960s about a teenage girl babysitting children who is harassed by a series of anonymous telephone calls wherein she is told to "check the children." She eventually calls the police, and, after tracing the next call, they tell her, "The calls are coming from inside the house."
  • "What a day! I invented Gaines-Burgers and I didn't even mean to!"
Gaines-Burgers is a brand of dog food that is packaged to resemble a hamburger patty.
  • "Blame it on the Bossa Nova."
"Blame It on the Bossa Nova" is a 1963 hit single by Eydie Gormé. It reached #7 on the Billboard Hot 100 that year.
  • "I was just trying to help."
Spoken in a mealy-mouthed voice, this is a riff on the voice of the cartoon character Droopy, a dog with a forlorn demeanor.
  • "I'm in love, Jim!"
In the original Star Trek episode "This Side of Paradise", the usually-unemotional Mr. Spock is affected by plant spores and declares to Captain James T. Kirk his love for a woman, with whom he proceeds to lounge in a glade.
  • "This is like Vanity Fair by Sam Peckinpah."
Vanity Fair is an 1848 novel by William Makepeace Thackeray that satirizes the idle upper-class of Britain. Sam Peckinpah was a film director known for including graphic violence in his works.
  • "Science!"
This is shouted several times during Thomas Dolby's 1982 hit song "She Blinded Me with Science" by a laboratory researcher who is proclaiming his dedication to science.
  • "No one's going to tell you you need Clearasil."
Clearasil is an over-the-counter acne treatment.
  • "Hey, a whole bottle of Sea & Ski!"
Sea & Ski is a brand of sunblock.
  • "I want some answers... Please frame it in the form of a question."
On the popular TV quiz show Jeopardy!, answers must be given in the form of a question.
  • "My brother and I looked like wood ticks ready to pop!"
A paraphrase of a line spoken by writer/narrator Jean Shepherd in A Christmas Story referring to the huge number of layers of clothing Ralphie and Flick were forced to wear by their Mother to stave off the Indiana winter temperatures.
  • "Incontheivable!"
In the film based on the William Goldman novel The Princess Bride, Sicilian mastermind criminal Vizzini (played by Wallace Shawn) speaks with a slight lisp and utters the word 'Inconceivable!' numerous times.
  • "Whenever I go out, the people always shout there goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!"
A reference to the popular children's song using those lyrics.
  • "Jackie O?"
When former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy married Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis, she took his last name. Newspapers (especially tabloids) often referred to her as "Jackie O." for short. The actress in the convertible resembles her slightly.
  • "This is like It Happened One Night except it made me want to kill myself."
The 1934 romantic comedy film It Happened One Night includes a famous scene in which Claudette Colbert's character is attempting to hitch-hike and is unsuccessful until she exposes her bare leg to a driver, who then stops for her.
  • "Luckily the Schwan's guy came..."
Schwan's is a food company headquartered in Minnesota known, among other businesses, for their home delivery service utilizing large refrigerated trucks. In 2022 the home delivery service was rebranded as "Yelloh" after the color of the trucks.
  • "Tom Arnold!"
Tom Arnold was best known, at the time, for being married to sitcom star Roseanne Barr. Their activities were often reported on in tabloid newspapers and magazine.
  • "The Piña Colada song... could you phrase it in the form of a question?"
Another Jeopardy! reference, this time referring to the (in)famous Rupert Holmes song "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)".
  • "Hey, The Outer Limits is coming on."
The sci-fi TV series The Outer Limits opened with a shot of an oscilloscope.
  • "Laszlo Kovacs my butt, this is great photography!"
Laszlo Kovacs was an Oscar-winning cinematographer who shot highly-regarded movies inclduing Easy Rider and Five Easy Pieces. He also worked on The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.
  • "It says, 'Sell the house, sell the car, sell the kids, I'm never coming back!'"
A reference to a letter written by Lieutenant Colby to his wife in the film Apocalypse Now

Memorable Quotes[]

Circus on Ice (short)[]

[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]
Joel: You got your circus on my ice!
Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
Servo: Two bad things that go worse together!
[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]
Servo[in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares...
[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]
These two girls, they make quite a pair.
They both come from your worst night-mare.
They will haunt your soul forever,
And now,
When you see pink,
You're gonna think,
"We're doomed".
They are agents of Satan...
Joel[laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...
[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]
Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
. . .
Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
Servo[nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...
. . .
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!
[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]
Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.
Narrator: Frantically the fawn tries to escape.
Joel: Suddenly... she darts across the highway! (The bots make car noises and the sound of a car hitting a deer.)
Narrator: The hunters close in. There is no escape!
Servo: Unshaven, stinky and boozed up on Rumple Minze the hunters spray bullets into the woods!
. . .
Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!
. . .
Joel: Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.
[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them.

Monster A Go-Go (movie)[]

[Over the film's title]
ServoMonster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!
. . .
Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...
Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
Joel: Yeah...
Crow[sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...
[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
Joel[reading] The Other Th?
[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]
Crow[enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh... y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.
[Scene showing the laughably tiny space capsule Douglas was supposed to have landed in.]
Narrator: Without question, this WAS the capsule that had put Douglas into orbit.
Joel: "Right!" (He and the bots chuckle.)
Narrator: And without question Douglas was gone without a trace!"
Servo: Douglas was pear-shaped, very short and stood the whole way!
[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]
Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.
[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]
Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.
[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]
Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?
Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.
Servo[whining] I was just trying to help.
Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist!
[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]
Joel[in disbelief] Unbelieveable...
[Tom bursts out into laughter]
Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.
[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]
Crow [as Col. Connors][makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!
Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: "...radiation."
Servo: Oh.
Narrator: The long wait began!
Joel: And you're going to see EVERY minute of it!
Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
Tom Servo: As if we cared.
Narrator: Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Crow: There was no dignity for ANYONE for who worked on this film!!
Joel: Turned out to be an alien snipe hunt, go figure.
Tom: This is a test. Had this been an actual movie, you would have been "entertained".
Narrator: Frank Douglas was found alive and of normal size some 3,000 miles away in a lifeboat.
Joel: Aw wait a minute!! (The bots show their equal displeasure with this reveal.)
Narrator: Then who or what has landed here? Is it still here, or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point! The line between science fiction and science fact...
Crow: And science CRAP!
Narrator: ...Is microscopically thin. You have witnessed that line being shaved even thinner.
JoelOh, the joke's on us!
Tom: Boooooo!
[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!

Video Release[]

  • Monsteragogodvd

    Amazon Digital Cover

    Commercially released on DVD by Rhino in November 2005 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 8, a 4-DVD set with Hobgoblins, The Phantom Planet, and The Dead Talk Back.
    • Re-released on DVD by Shout! Factory in November 2018 as part of Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume VIII.
      • DVD Special features include a theatrical trailer and a Bill Rebane Speaks interview.