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in: MST3K Episodes, Season 5, Episodes with shorts,
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MST3K 503 - Swamp Diamonds

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“ Great, this is like having your mom tell you about sex... ”
- Joel


The Short[]

Synopsis[]

0503s

Nick wants to take Kay out on a date, but isn't sure what they'd do. The short offers ideas like taffy pulls and scavenger sales. Ultimately, all the kids have a wholesome good time.

Information[]

The Movie[]

Main article: Swamp Diamonds (film)

Synopsis[]

Swamp1

Swamp Diamonds

A plucky policewoman infiltrates a group of hardened female criminals who are planning to break jail and retrieve their loot of diamonds from its swampy hiding place. Complications arise when the women abduct Connors and begin fighting each other.

The Episode[]

Host Segments[]

Swamp2

The U-View

Prologue: The Bots recreate the "Spock in Love" scene from the Star Trek episode "This Side of Paradise" instead of helping Joel crunch numbers.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): Joel finally snaps the Bots out of it. The Mads have invented the U-View, a TV that lets you see what you'd be doing if you weren't at home watching TV. Joel and the Bots present the Andrew Lloyd Weber grill, which they gleefully use to burn the scores to Cats, Phantom of the Opera, and Evita, as well as Chess and Annie, even though Webber didn't write those last two.

Swamp4

The Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill

Segment Two: Tom, inspired by the short, wants to date Gypsy. Joel and Crow ponder if it is a good idea.

Segment Three: Servo calls Gypsy to ask her out and completely bungles it. Gypsy finally agrees, if Servo promises to leave when she tells him she wants to go.

Swamp3

Tom tries dating Gypsy

Segment Four: Tom and Gypsy go to a scavenger sale arranged by Joel and Crow. Tom checks in with Joel, who gets carried away making sandwiches. Crow makes a move on Gypsy while Tom is gone.

Segment Five: Servo thinks the date went over well, but a quick call to Gypsy reveals she just wants to be friends. Tom doesn't take it very well when Joel reads a letter from a couple who sends the gang a wedding invitation. In Deep 13, Frank sees more of his life in the U-View, but ends up despairing over his love of Baywatch.

Stinger: "Ssssssssshut up!"

MST3K cast[]

Regular cast[]

Guest cast[]

Trivia[]

Goofs[]

  • In the original Star Trek episode Spock never says "I'm not going back, Jim", so Tom and Crow's recreation is somewhat inaccurate.
  • Just after Joel reads the letter in the final host segment, the yellow "Commercial Sign" light turns on and off briefly, followed by the red light, indicating the Mads are calling to end the episode.

Callbacks[]

Obscure References[]

  • "Aunt Dan and Lemon are calling."
Aunt Dan and Lemon is a 1985 play by Wallace Shawn that deals with anti-authoritarian themes.
  • "Oh wow, Mackenna's Gold is on!"
Mackenna's Gold is a 1969 Western movie which starred Gregory Peck.
  • "EEEEE EEEEE EEEE EEE EEEE..."
A reference to the score of the Alfred Hitchcock classic Psycho, suggested by the way the shot resembles the scene wherein private investigator Milton Arbogast (played by Martin Balsam) is murdered as he comes up a set of stairs.
  • "Goofus and Gallant?!"
Goofus and Gallant are two characters who served as examples of bad-and-good (respectively) behavior in a regular feature in the magazine Highlights for Children.
  • "...and a human ear."
A reference to the David Lynch film Blue Velvet, whose plot is set into motion when Kyle MacLachlan's character discovers a severed ear in a field.
  • "Oooh-oooh, Swamp Diamond..."
Joel is parodying the chorus from the Kiss song "Black Diamond".
  • "Son of a gun, gonna have big fun!"
​Joel is quoting a line from the Hank Williams song "Jambalaya (On the Bayou)".
  • "Pope Ed Asner!" "Let me kiss your ring, LOUUU."
Ed Asner was known for his role as Lou Grant on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and a subsequent eponymous-named spin-off. Joel then does an impression of Ted Knight as Ted Baxter.
  • "Lick it up, lick it up, lick it like a piece of cake..."
A reference to the Kiss song "Lick It Up".
  • "Why am I thinking of Joe Theismann?"
Joe Theismann was the quarterback for the Washington Redskins until he suffered a career-ending compound fracture during a 1985 game.
  • "The Kids in the Hall escape from prison!"
​The Kids in the Hall are an all-male Canadian sketch comedy troupe. They are often identified by their practice of dressing as women to play the female characters in their sketches.
  • "Do you think it's possible the people at Video Watchdog are wrong..."
Video Watchdog is a digest-sized film magazine.
  • "Spanish moss in Andalusia..."
​Joel is slightly mis-quoting the song "Spanish Bombs" by the Clash.
  • "Beverly can sure handle a Johnson can't she?"
A double entendre as Beverly Garland is handling an outboard motor. Crow compares the name of Johnson Evinrude Outboard Motor company to the use of "Johnson" as a term for a penis.
  • "Peace on Earth was all it said...."
Lyrics from the song "One Tin Soldier" popularized by the band Coven in the movie Billy Jack.
  • "But Santa? Why are you stealing my gun? Why? Why?"
Parodying and a line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas when the Grinch is spotted by Cindy Lou Who as he tries to steal her Christmas tree.
  • "The last thing she did was kill a snake." "You don't need Andrea Dworkin to figure that one out."
In her book Intercourse, feminist author Andrea Dworkin was said to have been equating all heterosexual sex with rape (though she denied that interpretation herself.)
  • "She's got her in a Mark Eden..."
The Mark Eden bust developer was a mail-order exercise regimen and device that was marketed in women's magazines in the 1960s and 70s.

Video Release[]

  • Commercially released on DVD by Rhino Entertainment August 2006 as part of The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection: Volume 10, a 4-DVD set with Godzilla vs. Megalon, Teen-Age Strangler and The Giant Spider Invasion, the DVD was later pulled in October 2006 due to rights issues with Godzilla vs. Megalon. The DVD was later re-released as Volume 10.2 in February 2008, with The Giant Gila Monster replacing the Godzilla film, the DVD was pulled again in January 2010 due to Rhino no longer obtaining the rights to distribute MST3K.
    • Re-released in March 2019 by Shout! Factory.
      • DVD includes a special feature showing 4 minutes of Rhino DVD menus for the four movies in the set.


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