"Gary Burghoff goes undercover!"

"That would explain his career for the last 10 years."

  — Crow and Mike

The Short


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Friendly Patrolman Hal Jackson (Boyett) visits the Dixon family to instruct their youngest son, Alan (Bosworth), in the art of safe and courteous driving. He relates many grisly tales of various young drivers, his main advice being to pay attention, but Alan's older brother Frank Jr. (Bill Agee) isn't listening, and drives with his girlfriend Betty (Lynch) into the path of an oncoming train while turning around and waving at the car behind him.


  • The film supposedly concentrates on accidents at level crossings because it was financed by Union Pacific. [1]

Memorable Quotes


[Title of short appears]
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!
[As woman walks away from car]
Crow: Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!
[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]
Servo: [growling] Rrrrr.
. . .
Patrolman: If you haven't seen the signs...
Mike: Boy, you haven't lived.
Patrolman: ...then this train might come as a surprise to you.
Servo: The Sooooooooooooul Train!
Crow [as Don Cornelius]: Thank you very much, Clarissa...
Crow: [As patrolman] I'd tuck you in, but you're dead.
Patrolman: Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
Crow: Even though you don't deserve it.
Patrolman: They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
Servo [as patrolman]: They're communists!


Patrolman: Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others.
Crow: 'All nude girls!'
Servo: 'Whites only'.
[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condescendingly]
Patrolman: ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. [An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]
Crow: The paid assassin cruising through town!
Patrolman: And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--
Servo: AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
Servo: That's what they say.
[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]
Frank: [Jokingly] I give up, officer! What's the charge?
Crow [as patrolman]: Ha, ha! MANSLAUGHTER.
Crow: I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!
Engineer: Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
Tom [as Ralph]: You're deep, Ernie.
Patrolman: So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
Mike [as patrolman]: Save a place for me at your dinner table!
Patrolman: ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
Tom: ...uh-oh...
Patrolman: ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
Patrolman: Because I've seen too many "little bit" follies...
Tom: He's a bad cop on the loose!
Patrolman: ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Mike: Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

The Movie


Radar Secret Service

In post-WWII America, radar has been developed to such an extent that law enforcement agencies can use it to monitor the activities of organized crime. The desperate criminals attempt to thwart the Radar Patrol, but internal dissension and the effective use of radar subverts this effort.


  • The word RADAR is an acronym devised by the U.S. Navy, standing for either RAdio Detection And Ranging or RAdio Direction And Ranging. The title card for this film is in all capital letters, but the first R is larger than the other letters, so the producers would seem to be using the word in the colloquial sense rather than in the original acronym usage.
  • Early in the film, the officer called "Static" wistfully mentions re: radar that "...Dick Tracy used it years before it was invented." This is presumably an in-joke since the actor playing Static is Ralph Byrd, who had played Tracy in several films throughout the 1930s and 40s. He would soon return to the role in 1950 for television.
  • The character Mickey Moran has the same name as the alter ego of British comic book character Miracleman (originally Marvelman).
  • Actors Tom Neal (Mickey Moran) and Tristram Coffin (Michael) also appeared in The Brute Man.

The Episode

Host Segments

Mike performs Crow’s maintenance checkup

Prologue: Mike performs Crow’s maintenance checkup, but has no idea what he's doing. The result: Crow becomes Arnold Horshack.

Segment One (Invention Exchange): Mike has an escape plan: tear up everything aboard the SOL made of fabric (including Gypsy’s bra, Crow’s Underoos and pants from The Killer Shrews, and Tom Servo's pantyhose) and tie the scraps together to make a very long rope. He might be a bit delusional. The Mads present Hypno-Helio-Static-Stasis (containing X-4), a phenomenon which slows down movies and fills them with "subliminal poopie".

The Bots simulate Mike's high school reunion

Segment Two: Based on the tragic short, Trooper Tom presents the playlet Why Don’t They Look?. Dryer lint is apparently more dangerous than one might imagine.

Segment Three: The Bots simulate Mike’s 10-year high school reunion, based on what they found in Mike's yearbook. The theme: "Hungry Like the Wolf".

Segment Four: Mike and Crow have built the Quinn Martin Nature Preserve so old actors have a place to go when they’re no longer useful (Roy Thinnes is mentioned specifically). Servo eventually recognizes that the Hypno-Helio-Static-Stasis is taking effect on them.

Trooper Tom

Segment Five: The Mads are foiled by Ecstato-Euphoro-Fun (with patented Hinder 90), a device which takes a B movie and turns it into a "Yippee movie"! Frank eventually falls under Hinder 90's spell.

Stinger: The hysterical maid shouts, "Thank you!"

MST3K cast


  • The episode contains several references to the popular TV sitcom Welcome Back, Kotter. Their connection to the movie and short is not readily apparent.
  • In the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide Kevin Murphy writes that he personally lobbied for this movie because he thought the constant references to "RADAR" were funny. He later regretted this.



Obscure References

  • "... I hear the robin sing..."

This is from the song performed by John Cleese's character at the beginning of Monty Python's "Archaeology Today" sketch.

Tom is correct that Sam Newfield directed I Accuse My Parents, but Jungle Goddess was directed by Lewis D. Collins. Tom may have been confusing it with Lost Continent, another Newfield film with a similar look which had also been featured in Season 2.

  • "Gary Burghoff goes undercover!" "That would explain his career for the past ten years!"

Actor Gary Burghoff portrayed Corporal Walter "Radar" O'Reilly in the movie & TV series M*A*S*H.

  • "Don't cry out loud..."

From the song "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester.

  • "Hey, my Advocate is here!"

A reference to the gay-oriented magazine The Advocate.

  • "Stop the near-insanity!"

Mike is paraphrasing fitness guru Susan Powter.

  • "Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgate party."

Jack Kevorkian was a famous proponent of doctor-assisted suicide.


MST3K 520 Promos

  • "Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry, NO!"

A reference to the 1974 movie Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry.

  • "Kill da wabbit, kill da wabbit..."

A line sung by Elmer Fudd in the 1957 cartoon What's Opera, Doc?.

  • "The Powers That Be is on!"

The Powers That Be is a short-lived 1990s sitcom on NBC that centers on a U.S. Senator & his family in Washington.

  • "The calls are coming from inside the car!"

The babysitter and the man upstairs is an urban legend that dates back to the 1960s about a teenage girl babysitting children who is harassed by a series of anonymous telephone calls wherein she is told to "check the children." She eventually calls the police, and, after tracing the next call, they tell her, "The calls are coming from inside the house."

  • "Oh, would you look at that! Billy Joe McAllister is down there."

"Ode to Billy Joe" is a hit country song released in 1967 about a boy who commits suicide by jumping off a bridge (and a family's rather blasé reaction to the news).

  • "Hey, it's the 'friendly stranger in the black sedan'!"

This is a line from the song "Vehicle", popularized by the band The Ides of March in 1970.

  • "I had to pick up my brother from the hospital, drop off the guns at Karen's house, and then back to stir the sauce..." and "I had to sell the guns so I could get enough money to buy the coke, so I brought them back to Karen's house but her mother had to go get..."

Crow is mimicking Ray Liotta's character Henry Hill narrating the action in the mob film Goodfellas.

Video releases


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