"And now ladies and gentleman, the Swedish Moses of soul."
- Mike Nelson

The Movie[]

Main article: The Sword and the Dragon (film)


The heroic Ilya Muromets goes on a mission to defeat a cruel warlord.

The Episode[]

Host Segments[]


Mike & the Bots

Prologue: Mike and Crow finally reluctantly agree to play Dungeons & Dragons with a seriously obsessed Tom.

Segment One: The nerdy hobbies of the Mads are interrupted when their new female neighbors from Deep 12 drop by, Dr. F and Frank's attempts to make a good impression on them backfires and they ask the SOL crew for some help. Mike, Tom, and Crow present their new topical political comedy show, "Supercalafragalisticexpiala-wacky!" The girls flee.



Segment Two: The SOL crew perform “A Joke by Ingmar Bergman”.

Segment Three: Mike and the Bots reenact the table cloth making scene.

Segment Four: Mike and the Bots are visited on the Hexfield by Ilya Murametz, who is now a waiter at the pancake house. After some discussion and near-slashing, he agrees to get them ham instead of sausages with their pancakes.


A Joke by Ingmar Bergman

Segment Five: Tom is the only one eager to read Gypsy's review of "Supercalafragalisticexpiala-wacky!", until he finds out she savaged his performance. In Deep 13 the Mads continue to believe with bloated confidence that the women from Deep 12 are interested in them. They continue to re-bag their comics and watch television until the phone rings and they realize it could possibly be the women and they cower behind the couch.

Stinger: Ilya makes the wind demon fall out of a tree.

MST3K cast[]

Regular cast

Guest cast




  • The riffers frequently refer to the setting as if it were Finland, likely due to it being made by the same director as The Day the Earth Froze. However, the events in the movie take place in what is now Ukraine.

Obscure References[]

Host Segment 1[]

Mike calls the Mads Rivendell and Mordor, which are locations in the Lord of the Rings series. Frank is looking for X-Men #354, though that issue was not published until 1998 (the most recent issue of Uncanny X-Men at the time of broadcast would have been #318). Dr. F mentions his backlog of Starlog and his desire to tape TekWar. In his nervousness Frank says Babylon 5 was on last night. The Mads end the segment by double bagging Punisher.

Movie Act 1[]

  • "The Catskills."
The Catskills are a mountain range located in southeastern New York.
  • "George Clinton!"
George Clinton is a funk musician known for his oddball clothing and hairstyle.
  • "King Friday's kingdom!"
A reference to the Mister Rogers' Neighborhood character King Friday XIII.
  • "Hekawis!"
The Hekawis are a fictional Native American tribe on the 1960s Western sitcom F Troop.
  • "Let Pat Carroll go, you beast!"
Pat Carroll is best known as Shirley’s mother on Laverne and Shirley.
  • "Dan Haggerty!"
Actor Dan Haggerty is best known for playing Grizzly Adams.
  • "Wagons East!"
Wagons East! is a western comedy movie that was in theaters (briefly) at the end of the summer of 1994. It's also a visual gag, since the wagons are moving from left to right (i.e. eastward on a typical map).
  • "Where we goin', I ain't certain, all I know is that I'm on my way."
Paraphrasing of the lyrics from the song "I'm on My Way" from the 1969 musical Paint Your Wagon.
A British television show staring a time traveling alien named "The Doctor" and his sidekick(s) on their adventures through time and space.
Danny Kaye was an American actor, singer and comedian, with red hair and facial features similar to the actor onscreen.
CBS’ 60 Minutes begins with the correspondents introducing themselves. Mike Wallace was one of these well-known correspondents.
  • "Riding Lori Barbero."
Lori Barbero is the drummer for the punk rock band Babes in Toyland.
  • "Jellystone Park."
Jellystone Park is the fictitious National Park in The Yogi Bear Show.
  • "He’s got a poster of Sun Ra!"
Sun Ra was an avant-garde jazz musician.
  • "But I've been classified 4-F."
"4-F" is a classification in the US Selective Service System that indicates a draftee is unfit for military service.
  • "Here’s some Haley’s M.O."
Haley’s M.O. is an over-the-counter laxative.
  • "Please sir, could I have more?"
Paraphrasing of the famous line from Oliver Twist.
  • "It's the line for Wild Mountain!"
Wild Mountain is a ski resort in Minnesota.

Movie Act 2[]

  • "Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean!"
Lyrics from the song "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg.
  • "Connery! Snipes!"
Spoken over a shot of a sunrise, this refers to the 1993 movie Rising Sun, starring Sean Connery and Wesley Snipes.
  • "Nevermore!"
Mike quotes this line from Edgar Allen Poe’s "The Raven".
  • "Where are all the ROUSes?"
Rodents of Unusual Size from the 1987 movie The Princess Bride.
  • "This movie has a real View-Master quality."
View-Master is a line of stereoscopes, first introduced in 1939.
  • "Dizzy Gillespie-esque."
Dizzy Gillespie was an American jazz musician, famous for puffing his cheeks while playing the trumpet.
  • "Couldn't the wind just cry Mary?"
A reference to the Jimi Hendrix song "The Wind Cries Mary".
  • "Bring up Al D’Amato!"
Al D'Amato is a former New York Senator with ties to the Mafia.
Kristofferson is a singer/actor who closely resembles the actor onscreen.
  • "It's the Finnish version of Night Court!"
Night Court is a 1980s sitcom set during the night sessions of a New York City municipal court.
  • "It's a kingdom of Robert Borks!"
Robert Bork was a bearded judge and (unsuccessful) nominee for the US Supreme Court in 1987.
  • "He’s the artist formerly known as Radiant Prince."
A play on recording artist Prince, who, when he chose to call himself by an unpronounceable symbol, became "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince".

Host Segment 2[]

  • A joke by Ingmar Bergman, with the punch line: "When you're out of slits, you're out of pier." This is a play on the Schlitz Beer slogan "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer." [1]

Movie Act 3[]

  • "He's the Finnish Oscar Wilde!"
Oscar Wilde was was an Irish poet and playwright.
  • "…for a hamburger today!"
Catchphrase of J. Wellington Wimpy, the hamburger-loving character in the comic Popeye. "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."
  • "Wang Chung with me!"
A line from Wang Chung’s 1986 song, "Everybody Have Fun Tonight."
  • "Oh, Captain Spaulding!"
Captain Spaulding is a Groucho Marx character seen in the play and film Animal Crackers.
Howard is the brother of Ron Howard and is a character actor known for his strange looks (e.g., "Johnson" in the Austin Powers movies).
  • "You know how to whistle, don't you?"
A line made famous by Lauren Bacall in the 1944 film To Have and Have Not.
  • "The summer Wind Demon, came blowin' in..."
Mike imitates Frank Sinatra singing his famous cover of the Johnny Mercer song "Summer Wind."
  • "Roll up the barrels..."
Paraphrasing of the lyrics from the Czech drinking song "Beer Barrel Polka."
  • "Mrs. Rittenhouse!"
Another character from the Marx Brothers film Animal Crackers, played by Margaret Dumont.
  • "Everyone knows it's Windy!"
A quote from the song "Windy" by The Association.
  • "Oh yuck, he's in the spittoon!"
A spittoon is a jar used for spitting into, especially for chewing tobacco.
  • "That was pretty good, can he scat?"
Scatting is a style of jazz singing in which the singer imitates a musical instrument by singing nonsensical words and syllables.
  • "And so ZZ Top was born!"
ZZ Top is a rock band known for their long beards and mobile guitars.
  • "We got a great big envoy!"
A punny reference to the 1975 trucker song "Convoy."
  • "Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!"
A line uttered by the morbidly obese Mr. Creosote (played by Terry Jones), from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.
  • "It's a Matt Groening gargoyle!"
The gargoyle resembles the art style of cartoonist Matt Groening, creator of the The Simpsons.
  • "Jake and the Fatman is different than I remember!"
Jake and the Fatman is a TV crime drama that aired from 1987 to 1992.

Movie Act 4[]

  • "Exit, stage left!"
Frequent catchphrase of the the Hanna-Barbera cartoon character Snagglepuss.
  • "That shall never be, you plundering thieves! Gypsies and tramps!"
A reference to the song "Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves" by Cher.
  • "Song of the South!"
Song of the South is a Disney film that features anthropomorphic animals like the ones in this film.
  • "Boo! Hiss! Free Bird!"
"Free Bird" is a 1974 song by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
  • "Johnny Mercer lyrics really made this song!"
Johnny Mercer was a singer/songwriter possibly best known for writing the lyrics to "Moon River".
  • "It's a living!"
Frequent refrain made by animals engaged in menial labor in the cartoon series The Flintstones.
  • "Well, I gotta go spread the plague, buh-bye."
Squirrels are known to sometimes be infected with the bubonic plague, the same disease that wiped out one-third to one-half of Europe's population in the 14th century.
  • "Ah, the magic of Heidi, ladies and gentlemen!"
Heidi is a popular children's novel, first published in 1881.
  • "Hey, Red Foxx!"
A punny reference to American comedian Redd Foxx.
  • "Bunny Rich!"
A punny reference to jazz drummer Buddy Rich.
  • "Hey, it's the Niña, the Pinta, and the Mongo Santamaría!"
A reference to the three ships used in Christopher Columbus's famous 1492 voyage to the New World, as well as to jazz musician Mongo Santamaría.
  • "Merlin Olsen is no action hero."
Merlin Olsen was an American football player and actor. He appeared as the villain's henchman in Mitchell.
  • "The Gene Simmons boat!"
Gene Simmons is the bass player for the rock band KISS, famous for his long tongue.
  • "Wanna grab an oar, Nana Mouskouri?"
Nana Mouskouri is a Greek singer.
  • "Hi! I’m Julie, your cruise director!"
Love Boat is a 1970s television show that features a perky cruise director named Julie.
  • "Greetings from Rosemary Clooney!"
Rosemary Clooney was a singer and actress.
  • "Here comes the king, here comes the big number one..."
Lyrics from the famous Budweiser beer jingle "Here Comes the King."

Movie Act 5[]

  • "Snow Days Festival was going so well!"
Snow Days Festival is a five-day festival that takes place in Chicago every winter.
Bochco was a television producer best known for NYPD Blue and Cop Rock.
  • "He's consulting with Black Oak Arkansas."
Black Oak Arkansas was a Southern rock band. The members of the band had long hair and many had facial hair (not unlike the characters on screen during the comment.)
A character’s name is misheard as a chocolate ice cream bar.
  • "Anyway, on Melrose Place... oh, no more, shh!"
Melrose Place was a popular primetime soap opera in the 1990s.
  • "You’re out of order, the whole damn castle’s out of order!"
A paraphrased quote from the movie "...And Justice for All". The actual line is "You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order!". It would later be more closely paraphrased by Professor Bobo during Agent for H.A.R.M.
  • "Everybody’s talking at me."
"Everybody's Talkin'" is a song by Fred Neil most famously recorded by Harry Nilsson for the soundtrack to the film Midnight Cowboy.
  • "The Legend of Boggy Creek had more depth!"
The Legend of Boggy Creek is a docudrama about a Bigfoot-like creature. It was the first movie to feature Bigfoot and its filmmaking process inspired The Blair Witch Project. Its sequel Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues... would later be used as an experiment.
  • "Just empty the chamber pot."
A chamber pot is a portable temporary toilet, commonly used before the advent of indoor plumbing.
  • "And they call him the Streak!"
Lyrics from the Ray Stevens song "The Streak," which chronicles the 1970s fad known as "streaking" (running naked through a public area).
  • "Wacky prop comic Lutefisk Top!"
An amalgamation of lutefisk (a traditional Scandinavian dish) and Carrot Top (an American prop comic).
  • "It’s Boris Badenov!"
Boris Badenov is an evil spy character on The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends. Boris was also voiced by Paul Frees.
  • "Siegfried & Roy!"
Siegfried & Roy are a German-American duo of magicians, best known for performing with lions and tigers.
  • "Blossom was really funny last night."
Blossom is a sitcom, popular in the early 1990s.
  • "You are correct, sir!"
One of Ed McMahon's commonly-used catchphrases on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.
  • "But I want to watch Power Rangers!"
Power Rangers is a long-running children’s television series.
  • "You look like RuPaul!"
RuPaul is an American drag queen and TV personality.
  • "Who loves ya, Baby!"
Catchphrase of Teddy Savalas’ titular character on the TV police drama Kojak. His defining physical feature was his bald head, much like the character on the screen.
This is a live album released by Peter Frampton in 1976.
  • "I'm going to Helsinki to personally spear that stump-throwing son of a bitch!"
Paraphrasing George C. Scott as Patton: when asked by his men where he is going, he answers, "Berlin! I'm going to shoot that paper-hanging son of a bitch!" (in reference to Adolf Hitler).
  • "Will the Lawrence of Arabia people please get to their proper sets?"
Set in Arabia, Lawrence of Arabia looks similar to this scene.

Movie Act 6[]

The best known version of this song was sung by Frank Sinatra.
The actor onscreen has a haircut somewhat similar to this former Major League Baseball player.
The New Christy Minstrels is a folk band who peaked in popularity in the 1960s.
  • "Pyle!"
Signature catchphrase of the character Sergeant Carter, from the 1960s sitcom Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
  • "Another Superfund site is born!"
Superfund is a U.S. government program charged with cleaning up abandoned toxic waste dumps.
  • "Woodstock II ends in tragedy."
Crow's quip here is prophetic: although he is referring to Woodstock '94, which took place shortly before this episode premiered and was largely successful, the follow up festival, Woodstock '99, was marred by violence and several allegations of sexual assault.
  • "The mass effects of watching Pauly Shore’s last movie."
Pauly Shore is an actor/comedian who starred in several notoriously bad (though profitable) movies during the 1990s.
  • "The Trix are for kids monument!"
Trix cereal’s advertising slogan is "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!" In the film, the statue in the background resembles the cereal's rabbit character.
  • "Hey, a wheat penny!"
Wheat pennies are US pennies minted from 1909 to 1958. The coins are engraved with two ears of wheat on the reverse side.
Near the end of most of Sega's advertisements in the 1990s, their name was yelled quickly.

Movie Act 7[]

  • "Hit me!"
Crow imitates James Brown here.
Butkus is a retired American football player.
Knight is a retired basketball coach known for his displays of temper.
Ovitz is a former talent agent known for many lucrative deals.
  • "Thanks to you it’s working, the United Way!"
Tagline for United Way, a charity organization.
  • "I want Moose and Squirrel!"
Catchphrase of the previously mentioned Boris Badenov.
  • "No we won’t!"
Said in the style of Monty Python’s "Argument Clinic" skit.
Lassie is a television show and series of movies starring a heroic Rough Collie.
  • "This is Arthurian in a sense that Arthur with Dudley Moore is Arthurian."
Tom compares this movie with Dudley Moore’s movie Arthur, while at the same time making a joke about its resemblance (or lack thereof) to the story of King Arthur.
  • "Hi-diddly-dee!"
This is a song from the Disney movie Pinocchio.
A song written by Shel Silverstein and made famous by Johnny Cash, which tells the story of a boy named "Sue" by his father, intended to make the boy grow up tough and mean in his father's absence.
  • "Father? Yes, Son? I want to kill you. Mother?..."
The bots quote "The End" by The Doors.
  • "This is gonna turn into the Guns of Will Sonnett now, isn't it?"
The Guns of Will Sonnett is a Western TV series from the late 1960s.
  • "Oh great, my dad's Burl Ives."
Burl Ives was an actor and singer, noted for his deep voice and beard.
  • "It’s the little Dutch boy!"
The little Dutch Boy is a character in the book Hans Brinker, or The Silver Skates. It is also the mascot for a brand of housepaint.
Crosby was an actor best known for being Bing Crosby’s son.
Foghat is a British rock band formed in 1971.
  • "Cattle call for Sound of Music!" and "50,000 Maria von Trapps face off against the Mongol horde!"
As many people run over the hills, the bots reference The Sound of Music.
  • "Run away!"
Running gag in the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Movie Act 8[]

  • "Are you Irene Papas?"
Irene Papas is a Greek actress and singer.
  • "Better check that boat for milfoil."
Milfoil are a variety of invasive aquatic plants.
Dolly Madison is an American bakery that produces snack foods. The emblem on the ship's sail looks similar to one of Dolly Madison's older logos.
  • "Wanna take you higher!"
"I Want to Take You Higher" is a 1969 song by Sly and the Family Stone.
  • "First product of the Acme company."
The Acme Corporation is a fictitious manufacturer of outlandish contraptions and weaponry, featured in the Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner series of cartoons.
  • "Haw haw!"
Nelson Muntz's famous catchphrase from The Simpsons.
  • "It's Ghidorah!"
Ghidorah is a three-headed, dragon-like monster that has appeared in several Godzilla movies.
  • "I love the smell of dragon breath in the morning!"
Paraphrase of famous quote from the movie Apocolypse Now. The actual quote is "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
  • "Help the bombardier!"
A bombardier is the member of a bomber plane's crew that is responsible for aiming and dropping the bombs. This particular reference is to a repeated line from the novel (and later film) Catch-22, which satirizes war and militaristic thinking.
  • "The whole point of having a dragon is to tell the world you have a dragon! Why did you keep it a secret?"
A line paraphrased (and said in the character of) from Dr. Strangelove.
  • "'Dragonslayer II: The Uncalled For!'"
An imaginary sequel to the 1981 film Dragonslayer (which underperformed at the box office).
Strindberg was a Swedish playwright. Backdraft is a 1991 film about firefighters.
  • "Ilya’s plan is still being taught at West Point!"
West Point is a 4 year federal military academy.
  • "Miller time!"
Advertising slogan for Miller Beer.
  • "If you don't wanna ride those horses, you can take the fjord!"
A punny reference to a fjord (a narrow inlet with steep sides or cliffs) and a Ford (a brand of American cars).
The image on screen when this phrase is said might remind a strange person of the late Jimi Hendrix performing at the Monterey Pop Festival (kneeling and setting his guitar on fire - before it became the rage).
  • "The hills are in flames!"
Yet another reference to The Sound of Music.
  • "Hey they captured Billy Barty!"
Billy Barty was a short-statured American actor.
  • "It's Housing Project Hill..."
A quote from the song "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" by Bob Dylan.
  • "I'm joining the Hogan Tour!"
The Hogan Tour is a golf tournament named after golf great Ben Hogan.
  • "Gee Dad, it's a Daisy!"
Daisy is a manufacturer of BB guns.
  • "He traded the sword for a lid and got high in the palace."
A "lid" is slang for an amount of marijuana approximately equal to a mayonnaise jar lid full of the substance.
  • "So long, country bumpkin..."
Lyrics from the song "Country Bumpkin" by Cal Smith.

Host Segment 5[]

  • "Did you hear Kate Mulgrew is Mrs. Picard?"
Kate Mulgrew is the actress who plays Captain Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager. Captain of the Enterprise Jean-luc Picard frequently joins her in fan-fic. In addition, Mulgrew played the previously unseen Mrs. Columbo in a short lived spin-off of that title.

The music on the Mads television is similar to the television show Seinfeld.

  • "Universal Action Pack!"
Universal Action Pack is series of television movies and shows that aired in syndication from 1994 to 2001. Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess were a part of this action pack.
  • "I gotta bag up my Animal Man collection!"
Animal Man is a DC Comics superhero who was revamped in the late 1980s by writer Grant Morrison.

Memorable Quotes[]

Gypsy: You guys are so weird!

The Sword and the Dragon (movie)[]

[As Tugars attack and plunder his village, Ilya Muromets watches helplessly from his window.]
Ilya Muromets: Of all these hands, I cannot lift to help them.
Mike (as Ilya): I bowled last night and I'm pretty stiff.
Ilya Muromets: By your own sword, dog, you shall die, for Kalin!
[Ilya throws the sword at the Tugar envoy, striking him in the side of his large belly.]
Crow: Oh, right in the love handle!
Ilya Muromets: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo (as Ilya): Let us the nasty, do!
Tugar: By Beelzebub, a pair of breeches!
[Kalin stares blankly into space.]
Crow (as Kalin): These pants have stirred something deep inside me!

Video releases[]