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This film went through a highly technical process called 'Tension extraction' before it was released to the theatres."'
  — Crow


Could Leonard Maltin be wrong, and this movie isn't worth two and a half stars?
  — Crow


The Movie

Main article: Laserblast (film)

Synopsis

A troubled teenager finds a powerful weapon from outer space and it slowly corrupts him.

The Episode

Host Segments

Plug

Dr. F pulls the plug

Prologue: Against Mike's will, Crow and Tom present the subtile nuances of The Thunderdome Joke.

Segment One: Dr. F’s funding has been cut, so he disconnects the Umbilicus, setting the SOL loose. He's moving out of Deep 13 with help from Pearl. Gypsy and Tom manage to fix the ship so they have thrusters, but no control. They drift out of Earth's orbit and begin to head into deep space.
Mst3kjaneway

Mike as Captain Janeway

Segment Two: The SOL is visited by Monad, an annoying robot/space probe. He is taunted and confused by the SOL crew, and so Mike is able to eject Monad out of the airlock with no problem.

Segment Three: The SOL hits a field of star babies - and one of them needs a diaper change. Mike plays Ground Control ala Apollo 13 as Servo and Crow go out into space to get things taken care of.
Laserblast3

Old Dr. F

Segment Four: With the SOL heading toward a black hole, Mike takes charge the only way he can: he becomes Captain Kathryn Janeway. It works, but it ends strangely.

Segment Five: The SOL reaches the edge of the universe and the crew transform themselves into non-corporeal beings of pure energy or something, and it's fun. In Deep 13, Dr. F becomes unstuck in time, has a revelation and is reborn in a sequence that pays tribute to the final sequence in 2001: A Space Odyssey, including the broken goblet. Pearl rejoices at her second chance to raise him right, but Dr. F's only response? "Oh, poopie."
Laserblast4

Pearl holds Dr. F star baby

Stinger: The freaky hippie dude says, "Faaar out!"

Other Notes

Guest Stars

Trivia

  • Trace Beaulieu's final appearance as Dr. Clayton Forrester and Crow T. Robot.
  • The Final Episode of the Comedy Central era.  At the time this episode was made, it was unknown if the show would be picked up by any other network, so it was designed to be the series finale if necessary.
  • At the beginning, Dr. Forrester said that Leonard Maltin gave the movie 2 1/2 stars. During the movie's closing credits, Mike and the 'bots looked up other movies in his book that had worse ratings than Laserblast. Marathon Man, Hannah And Her Sisters, and Unforgiven were among those who had a worse or an equal rating.
  • The top label on the giant "Worst Movie Ever Made" VHS tape is upside down.
  • Joel Hodgson’s and Jef Maynard’s "set design" credits end with this episode.
  • Ranked 17th in the Top 100 Episodes as chosen by backers of the Bring Back MST3K Kickstarter. It was the highest-ranked episode of Season 7, and the highest-ranked episode from the Comedy Central era starring Mike.

Callbacks

Obscure References

  • "I saw a Wolman drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's."

A reference to the song "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon.

  • "Norelco's secret plan for world domination! Even its name spells 'Merry Christmas'!"

A reference to a Christmas-themed commercial for Norelco electric shavers, in which Santa was shown flying on an electric razor while the letters in "NORELCO" started disappearing to form "NOEL".

  • "We wish to welcome you to Denver's airport!"

In 1995, Denver's Stapleton International Airport was demolished and replaced with the current Denver International Airport six miles away. Around the time this episode aired, the new airport was still being constructed and was 2 billion dollars over budget.

  • "Edward CD-Player-Hands."

A play on Tim Burton's strange 1990 sci-fi film Edward Scissorhands.

  • "Christina's World 3001."

A reference to the painting by Andrew Wyeth.

Credits

Final Credit

  • "Ojai.  Crap.  I'm still in Ojai."

A play on Capt. Williard's line from Apocalypse Now: "Saigon.  Shit.  I'm still in Saigon." Ojai is a (notoriously uneventful) town in southern California.

  • "I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan!"

Servo is singing an excerpt from the song "Vehicle" by The Ides of March.

  • He woke up Ram Dass!

Ram Dass, or Baba Ram Dass, is a spiritual teacher who bears a resemblance to the white haired old man.

  • "Hush Hush" "Sweet Charlotte!"

Hush...Hush Sweet Charlotte was a 1964 American thriller film directed and produced by Robert Aldrich, and starring Bette Davis, Olivia de Havilland, Joseph Cotten, and Agnes Moorehead. It was nominated for seven Oscars.

  • "I know, I"ll seek refuge in 20 explosive hits by 20 explosive stars!"

A reference to a 1973 K-Tel compilation record album, which can be seen here.

  • "Are you ready for some football?"

A reference to Hank Williams Jr., who sang the theme to Monday Night Football for many seasons (the deputy resembles him, somewhat.)

  • "You ever notice how Haile Selassie is God?"

Haile Selassie was the last emperor of Ethiopia, and is believed to have been Christ incarnate by Rastafarians.

  • "'Sister Mary Elephant' is funny!"

"Sister Mary Elephant" is a comedy sketch from a Cheech and Chong album.

  • "Roxy!'"

Said in a whiny, nasally voice as the film looks out over an arid desert locale, this is a callback to Eegah.

  • "Suddenly I long for a Hal Needham film..."

​Hal Needham was the director of Smokey & The Bandit, Hooper, Cannonball Run, and MegaForce.

  • "Anyway, all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight."

Sort of an offshoot of the "Are you ready for some football?" running joke, this references the song "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight", a song also by Hank Williams Jr (and the song that the "Are You Ready for Some Football?" MNF theme was based on.)

  • "I'm Max Keller."

From the previous experiments Master Ninja I and Master Ninja II.

  • "Laaaaady! When you're with me I'm smiiiiiling!"

Servo starts to croon Lady from the band Styx.

  • "Wow, Albert Belle did cork his bat!"

Surly former professional baseball player Albert Belle received a seven-game suspension in 1994 for using a corked bat while playing for the Cleveland Indians.

  • "Get your motor running ... head out on the highway..."

First verse of the Steppenwolf song "Born To Be Wild".

  • "Did they need to go to Angkor Wat just to have a picnic?"

Angkor Wat is a religious temple monument in Cambodia and is considered to be the largest in the world.

  • "When you crank 'Don't Fear the Reaper'..."

"Don't Fear the Reaper" is a song by Blue Oyster Cult.

  • "And a dog named Boo..."

"Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" was the debut single for Lobo, hitting #5 on the Billboard chart in 1971.

  • "Meanwhile on Quark... Remember Quark?"

Quark was a late 70's sci-fi sitcom featuring a space captain who commanded a garbage ship collecting waste in space. Servo asking if Mike remembers Quark reflects the series' very short run; seven episodes and the pilot.

  • "Another Buddhist monk..."

In 1963, as a protest during the Buddhist Crisis in Vietnam, a Buddhist monk named Thich Quang Duc immolated himself with gasoline on a street in Saigon near the Presidential palace. AP journalist Malcolm Browne took a now-famous photo of the event. Other acts of self-immolation would follow.

  • "It's Rover from The Prisoner!"

On the cult classic 1960s British TV series The Prisoner, Rover was an orb-like entity that hunted and intercepted people who tried to escape from the Village.

  • "I am the lizard king!"

A line from a song by the 1960s pop group The Doors .

  • "This movie packs the unflinching humor of a Dik Browne panel."

A reference to the late cartoonist behind such comic strips as Hi and Lois and Hagar the Horrible (which are generally considered to be banal at best).

  • "Oh, it's a Calvin Klein ad."
    MST3K 706 Promo-0

    MST3K 706 Promo-0

A reference to an extremely controversial (and ultimately banned) television ad campaign for Calvin Klein that featured an off-screen voice asking young-looking people to take off their clothes, in what seemed like an audition for a porno movie. More information about the campaign at this link.

  • "Englebert Humperdinck on a personal journey."

Englebert Humperdinck is a British soft-pop singer who rose to fame in the 1960s & 1970s

  • "If I built a fortress around your heart..."

A quote from the Sting song "Fortress Around Your Heart".

  • "Ecuadorian bat boy found alive in cave!"

A reference to an infamous Weekly World News headline.

  • "Aaaalll righty then!"

Appears to be a case of Crow mixing up his Jim Carrey references. That was the catchphrase of Ace Ventura, but with his green face Billy instead calls to mind Carrey as The Mask.

  • "Something touched me deep inside the day Eddie Deezen died."

Mike sings a portion of Don McLean's song "American Pie", substituting Eddie Deezen's name for the lyric: "The day the music died".

  • "It's raining porn... Hallelujah."

Servo references "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls.

Callbacks

  • "Robert Ginty was a better kisser!"

Most likely a reference to earlier episode Warrior of the Lost World, which starred Ginty. At the end, Joel and the bots made fun of his sloppy kiss with the female lead.

  • "Leave the Bronx..."

Reference to Escape 2000.

  • "Eegah..."

Reference to Eegah.

Memorable Quotes

[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
CrowTerrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.
[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]
Servo [as Elmer Fudd]: I'm hunting spacecwaft... hehehehehehe.
. . .
[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]
Mike: Edward CDplayerhands.
[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]
Mike: Well, now on to movie three!
[Scene where we are introduced to our "hero" Billy getting out of bed wearing nothing but yellow gym shorts.]
Crow [As Billy]: Augh! Get em off me! get em off me!! Oh wait... it's just my sheets!
Servo: Somehow his "mustardy" shorts don't help.
[Chuck and Froggy openly mock Billy at the gas station.]
Chuck: Whaddya say Froggy? Think our boy Billy is up for a little race?
Froggy: Billy!? Hell, he NEVER races!!
Billy: Who the hell told you that!? I'll show you a race!
Crow [As Billy]: Just let me get into my dad's electric supply van!
Servo: Inverted world where the spazzes make fun of the "cool guys."
[Cutting back to Chuck and Froggy, Mike riffs on who they resemble.]
Mike: Steven Stills and Bill Gates!!
[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]
Servo: So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas.
[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
Billy: Pow! Pa-pow!
Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Mike: Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
Servo: I think he's doing Frampton Comes Alive.
Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]
Mike [as Billy]: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!
[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]
Mike: ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.
Servo: There's a point where it stops being a movie!
Kathy: Gee, Billy... if only you were more ordinary.
MikeMore ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that.
Kathy: We were supposed to go to Susan's birthday party. We're due there by three!
Billy: I don't wanna go to no party.
Crow [As Billy]: C'mon! I'm cooking a pizza on the engine block!
[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers.]
Crow: Teens love their cake pool party!
[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
Crow: So no one wants to eat cake, and he can't find Cathy. Now the movie is really starting to find its purpose!
[Scene where Billy fights with both Chuck and Froggy; Mike goes back to Froggy's "resemblance" to Bill Gates.]
Mike: The Microsoft meeting goes horribly wrong!
[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]
Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!
[The hippie driver who offers Billy a ride starts rambling about random occurrences.]
Hippie: Yeah, there I was, 30,000 feet straight up! Field full of frozen yo-yos and the string broke. I didn't falter! Just kept on going man! I knew Nirvana was straight around the corner. I turned the corner and ran smack into Betty Crocker! She was running across the sky yelling "You never outgrow your need for milk!"
Servo: I miss Eddie Deezen...
Hippie: I looked at her, and said, "Baby! You're something else!"
Servo: Cousin of yours Mike?
[After Billy kills the hippie driver and steals the van for no reason, Mike can't help but wonder about Leonard Maltin's rating he gave this movie.]
Mike: So I wonder what the "flaw" was that prevented Leonard Maltin from giving this the full three stars?
[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow[watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh—
Servo[disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
CrowBeing There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow[reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow[still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo[leaning in] What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow[incredulous] What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Crow[dismissive] D'oh...
ServoBroadcast NewsWitness, three stars—barely superior to Laserblast.
Mike: Mm-hm.
Crow: Same for Diner.
Mike: Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Crow: Well, that's possible...
Servo: And the same caliber as Last Crusade—two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
Servo[unbelieving] Where?
Crow[incredulous] What?
Mike: No, I'm kidding.
Servo: Oh, you... You... jeez...
Mike: So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
ServoBagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy—no better than Laserblast.
Mike: Here's where it gets hard—Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
Crow: Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter—no better than Laserblast.
[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]
Mike[reluctant] No, no—
Servo: Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man—on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
Crow: Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Mike: OK, ah—
Servo: Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
Mike: Uh, yeah...
ServoMike: Same as Laserblast
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice
Servo: Uh huh.
Mike: Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Servo: No!
MikeThe Great Santini
Servo: Oh, I can't believe that!
MikeAll two-and-a-half stars.
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: The same quality.
Crow: Also known as "Ace", by the way.
Mike: Yes, "Ace".
Servo[as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.

Video Release

LaserblastDVD

MST3K DVD Cover

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