(As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harassed by a giant spider)

I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.

  — Mike

The Movie



"Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!"

A meteor arrives on Earth, where it lands in the back pasture of a rural family. A giant spider emerges and starts laying rock-like eggs from which hatch tarantulas. A NASA scientist and an astrophysicist must figure out a way to destroy the monster before it and its children can ravage the countryside. There's hillbillies, an ineffectual sheriff, a noisy preacher, a teenage reporter, and a whole town full of drunken lumberjacks facing off against The Giant Spider Invasion.



"Packers fans... the horrible truth"

  • This is the second movie to be lampooned by the Satellite of Love crew featuring spiders as the main attraction (see also Earth vs the Spider).
  • Alan Hale Jr. greets Davey (Kevin Brodie) in the opening scene with the line, "Hi, little buddy!" This is a reference to his role as The Skipper on Gilligan's Island.
  • The budget for the film was around $250,000.
  • Dan and Ev have a conversation which includes the exchange: Ev: "I'm sorry I missed the sermon. What was it about?" Dan: "Sin." Ev: "What did the minister say about it?" Dan: "He was against it." That referred to a famous (or infamous) conversation former President Calvin Coolidge - nicknamed "Silent Cal" - and his wife once had.
  • There was supposed to be a dramatic shot of the giant spider crushing the house by having the spider dropped from a crane onto it while a bulldozer chained to the back of the house would pull away. However, when the shot was filmed, the spider's legs all went straight up into the air. The crew inside working its arms were nearly killed when broken wood from the destroyed house came up through the spider and came close to impaling them.
  • There was supposed to be a shot of a big spider in a tree bursting into flames. To achieve this, the director covered a large prop spider with gunpowder and had two crew members sitting above it in the tree who would drop a match on the spider. The director got the camera up to a very fast fps to achieve a slow motion look, and had them drop the first match. Nothing happened, so they dropped a second. Still nothing happened, so they lit the entire book of matches and dropped it on the spider. With nothing happening, the director turned off the camera - and immediately afterwards a huge explosion and fireball shot up, burning the hair off of the crew members and starting several small brush fires. The director was furious that he wasn't able to get the shot on film.

    Alan Hale Jr. in The Giant Spider Invasion

  • In a scene depicting the "giant spiders" attacking a little league baseball game, the "spiders" are obviously Volkswagen Beetles with puppet legs attached. Tread marks from the VW's tires can actually be seen in several camera angles.
  • This film is listed among the 100 Most Enjoyably Bad Movies Ever Made in Golden Raspberry Award founder John Wilson's book The Official Razzie® Movie Guide.
  • In an interview director Bill Rebane said that shooting on the film began before the script was even complete. Rebane added that the script was revised numerous times throughout the shoot.
  • According to Bill Rebane the two writers on the film each approached the story from different directions. Richard L. Huff wrote the original story and kept a very serious tone to the first draft of the script. Robert Easton on the other hand lent the film a comical tone, writing most of the colorful dialog for his character and the other locals. The film's rather infamous jokes are credited to him as well. Combining both writers material resulted in an odd-ball tone for the script.
  • Bill Rebane said that the hot summer temperatures were quite tough on the cast and crew. At times the temperature on location would be 100 degrees and on the sets it would reach 120 degree at times, thanks to the studio lighting.
  • Director Bill Rebane once dubbed the film "The Giant Spider Disaster" in an interview, referring to how problematic the production was.
  • Nearly all of the night scenes were shot day-for-night. The scenes were darkened in post production, and although some of the footage was darkened too much to be clearly seen, it was still used in the film.
  • In May 2005 there was a Bill Rebane film festival at the Orpheum Theatre in Madison, Wisconsin that featured this film. Hosting the festival were Michael J. Nelson and Kevin Murphy. Nelson and Murphy said despite their lampooning of the film on MST3K they actually admired Rebane because he was able to make the film with such a low budget.
  • David Hoff, who provides the radio voice of the helicopter pilot, was an actual pilot for the Wisconsin Air Guard.

    "Packers won the super bowl!"

  • Stars Steve Brodie and Barbara Hale pulled in family members to play supporting roles in the film. Brodie's son Kevin Brodie played Dave Perkins and Hale's husband Bill Williams came in to play the role of Dutch.
  • It took nine people to work the fake spider legs on the Volkswagen Beetle that was used for the giant spider. The people would have to huddle together on boards nailed to the inside of the stripped vehicle.
  • Since the driver of the infamous spider-car obviously couldn't see where the vehicle was going extras would often have to push the vehicle to guide it, while at the same time having to pretend they were fleeing from the 'giant spider'.
  • Originally the spiders in the film were supposed to be only about 10 feet in length but the producers insisted that if the film were going to compete with Jaws (1975), which was released around the same time, the size of the spiders would have to be increased to pose more threat. 
  • In November 2010, the frame from the VW/giant spider hybrid was prominently displayed in Gleason, Wisconsin right next the the U.S. Post Office (pictures below). Since then the frame has disappeared, its whereabouts are currently unknown.

The Episode

Host Segments


Tom Servo wants to be a cheerleader

  • Prologue: - Tom Servo's got spirit and wants to be a cheerleader. Wanting an 'S', Mike and Crow are hesitant to give him any letters at all, but eventually assent to give him a M, an R, a small x, and one L. Servo's got MRxL.
  • Segment One: - Pearl, Observer, and Bobo tell stories about the fun they had camping and mock Mike and the bots' inability to camp. Because they're trapped on a satellite. Pearl proceeds to show some "wild flowers" they found, which prove later to be mind controlling aliens. Servo explains "portage", whilst managing to smack Mike and Crow with the canoe on his head, Three Stooges-style. Pearl and Brain Guy become controlled by the pods, and offer Mike & the bots some of them. Mike becomes suspicious, meanwhile Pearl sends him the movie.
  • SOLStaysUp

    The SOL crew tries to stay awake

    Segment Two: - Gypsy becomes controlled by one of the pods. She tries to convince M&TBs to sleep, but her lullaby about evil super-consciousnesses devouring them makes Mike wonder if something might be up with her.
  • Segment Three: - Mike and Tom struggle to stay awake so they don't have their minds taken over while Crow decides to consume a large quantity of sugar and caffeine. Mike calls Bobo, and discovers that he has not been taken over. Mike convinces Bobo of the pod's plan eventually, but it's too late as the mind controlled Observer and Pearl tie him up. Before Movie Sign, Crow's heart starts beating rapidly from the excessive overwhelming amounts of sugar and caffeine with a disturbing heart-beat thumping noise and cries out "SUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRGE!" just as Mike and the bots rush into the theater.
  • Segment Four: - Mike and Crow attempt to determine the original Tom from the alien clone. The clone is successfully scared away when Tom proves himself by rattling off his underwear collection.
  • Spiderinvasion

    Which one's the real Tom?

    Segment Five: - The original Tom disappeared and Crow ends up affected, Mike calls Bobo again and convinces him he can save the day. Bobo escapes and kills the mother pod, destroying the clones and rendering everyone affected back to normal in the process. Pearl, realizing she missed Mike and the Bots watching the movie, forces them to watch the movie again. (You can hear Mike and the bots exclaim "MOVIE SIGN, AGAIN!" upsettingly just as the closing credits started rolling.)
  • Stinger: "Pfffft!" (Jeweler guy makes a raspberry with his tongue).


  • The host segments in this episode notably parody Invasion of the Body Snatchers, both the 1956 and 1978 film versions. The pods are from the original, while the clones screaming at non-clones is from the remake.
  • Because Pearl missed Mike and the Bots watching the movie, she subjects it to them again at the end of the episode. This is technically the only episode where they had to sit through the same movie twice in a row.
  • When amped-up Crow is in the theater, a heart beating sound effect continues for several minutes. This is especially puzzling since, as a robot, Crow should not have a circulatory system.


Quotes & References

Giant Spider 2

Side view of the frame for the VW/giant spider hybrid, photographed in Gleason, WI in late 2010.

  • "It's a Giant Spider Invasion of savings at Menards!"
Menards is a chain of home improvement stores in the upper Midwest, headquartered in Mike Nelson's home state of Wisconsin. There is a Menards store located in Eden Prairie where MST3K was produced.
  • "Steve Brodie closes his eyes again."
Reference to the first line of the Gary Wright song "Dream Weaver".
  • "Hey, little buddy."
Even before Gilligan's Island, Alan Hale had used the phrase "little buddy", which is why it was incorporated into the show. Of course, by the time this film was made, it was almost exclusively associated with Gilligan's Island.
  • "Love, soft as an easy chair."
First line from "Evergreen" by Barbara Streisand from the film A Star is Born.
  • "Casual day at Hazelden."
Hazelden is a chain of rehab/recovery centers based in Minnesota.
  • "I need one room in Las Vegas and a lot of liquor, please."
An allusion to the Nicolas Cage movie Leaving Las Vegas in which Cage plays a despondent writer who goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death.
  • "They saved a lot buying the old Gein place."
Referring to serial killer Ed Gein's house in Plainfield, Wisconsin which contained furniture and other artifacts made out of human remains. The original house burned down (causes unknown) before it could be auctioned off. The remains of the house were bulldozed and the property became overgrown. Gein spent the rest of his life in state mental institutions, dying at the Mendota Mental Health Institute on July 26, 1984. He also robbed recently buried graves and wore masks made from the skin of his victims faces, which later became the inspiration for both the film Psycho and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
  • "So.... Seen Leatherface around here lately?"

Leatherface (played by Gunnar Hansen ) was the mentally-impaired cannibal villain from the 1974 horror film The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and it's many sequels. He wore masks made from the skin from human faces, (hence the name) and was loosely based on Ed Gein.

  • "The Joe Don Baker Museum."
A reference to Joe Don Baker, who had starred in the episode Mitchell in the 5th season of the series, and whose film Final Justice would be used in the 10th season.
  • "Pull up, Laika! Pull up!"
A reference to Laika, the dog sent into space by the Soviets in 1957.
  • "I love tick-infested hounds / slaughterin' a deer / and beer."
Mike is parodying a song sung by Willie Tyler , a ventriloquist and comedian popular in the 1970s.  During his act, he and his dummy, Lester, sang this song with the line "I love little baby ducks / old pick up trucks / slow moving trains / and rain."  Crow refers to Willie Tyler and Lester in Experiment #816 Prince of Space upon seeing Mike as a small, robot puppet.
  • "Laserium, with music by Pink Floyd."
A reference to the laser light show Laserium, founded by filmmaker Ivan Dryer in the 1970s.
  • "Hooterville was decimated by Scud missiles that day."
Hooterville was the fictional town in which the TV shows Green Acres and Petticoat Junction were set. Scud missiles were a type of ballistic missiles developed by the Soviet Union, most famous for being used by the Iraqi army during the Persian Gulf War.
  • "Well Section 8 owns the house."
Section 8 of the Housing Act of 1937 is a government housing program that provides rental assistance to low income individuals and families. It was first established in 1974 by the Housing and Community Development Act of 1974.
  • "Where they hear whos."
A reference to the Dr. Suess story 'Horton Hears a Who!'.
  • "It's Mean Gene Okerlund."
A reference to former WWE (formerly WWF) and WCW TV personality 'Mean' Gene Okerlund.
  • "He's entering through the kitchen at the Copa."
A reference to a renowned long tracking shot in the movie Goodfellas, in which Henry Hill, on a date with his future wife Karen, bypasses the line waiting to get into the Copacabana nightclub by going in through the kitchen.
  • "Greg Norman at the Masters."
Golfer Greg Norman lost several leads in the final holes of The Masters tournament with bad shots at inopportune times.
  • "Honey, let's play William Burroughs and Joan."
The legendary beat novelist William Burroughs shot his wife Joan to death trying to shoot a glass off her head in what he called their "William Tell act."
  • "Got milk?"
Got Milk? is an American advertising campaign encouraging people to consume milk.
  • "Cow tipping gone horribly wrong."
Cow tipping is purportedly the practice of sneaking up on a sleeping or otherwise unsuspecting cow and tipping her over. It's often seen as a stereotype of bored rural people seeking entertainment.
  • "Mork of Ork was taken to St. Mary's hospital and pronounced dead."
In the series Mork and Mindy, the alien Mork (played by the late Robin Williams ) came to Earth from the planet Ork in a spaceship that looked like an egg.
  • "Walking Tall 3: The High Cholesterol Years"
Walking Tall was a 1973 film starring Joe Don Baker of Mitchell and Final Justice fame as Buford Pusser. It was followed in 1975 by Walking Tall Part 2, which starred Bo Svenson as Pusser.
  • "Aryan...Nation...rules."
Aryan Nations is an American-based neo-Nazi group.
  • "Free Mumia!" "Free Bobby Seale!"
Mumia Abu-Jamal, a journalist and the former Information Minister of the Black Panthers during the period when the mayor of Philadelphia was Frank Rizzo (who was widely considered to be an unapologetic racist). Abu-Jamal has been in prison since the early 1980s for the alleged murder of a Philadelphia police officer, though it is argued that he never received a fair trial. He continues to be the subject of an activist movement to seek his freedom, or a re-trial. Bobby Seale, the Black Panthers' co-founder, was tried and acquitted on charges of murdering a fellow Panther in 1970.
    Giant Spider 1

    Front view of the frame for the VW/giant spider hybrid, photographed at around the same time.

The advertising slogan for Surge, a heavily caffeinated citrus flavored soft drink marketed by the Coca-Cola Company during the late 1990s which made a return in fall of 2015 at convenience stores in the eastern and midwestern United States.
  • "They’re toughening GED standards! No fair! -- Boo!"
GED stands for General Educational Development, the standardized test for people who never graduated from high school; passing the GED is equivalent to earning a high school diploma. In 1997 tougher standards went into effect: whereas before a student needed at least a score of 40 on each of the five sections or an average of 45 across all five tests, now they needed both a minimum score of 40 and an average score of 45.
  • "Fur is murder!"
"Fur is murder" is a popular slogan among anti-fur animal-rights activists, who denounce the use of animals for making fur coats as cruel and unnecessary, given the ready availability of non-animal-based outerwear.
  • "Violence erupted when Dave Dudley canceled his appearance in Gleason."
Dave Dudley is a Minneapolis musician known for his trucker-themed songs featured on such albums as Six Days on the Road and Christmas Truck Stop.
  • "I’m headed over to Taco John’s till this blows over."
Taco John’s is an American chain of Mexican restaurants featuring tacos, burritos, nachos, etc.
  • "Give my Hamm’s waterfall sign to my son."
Hamm's Brewery was a beer brewer with headquarters in St. Paul, Minnesota. Its slogan was "From the land of sky-blue waters"[1], and many of its advertising signs featured a moving waterfall. The company was acquired by Heublein, Inc in 1968 who then sold it to Olympia Brewing Company. The St. Paul's area brewery was eventually closed. After a series of acquisitions and mergers the Hamm's brand is now owned by MillerCoors, who produces Hamm's Premium, Golden Draft, and Special Light.
  • "Dutch! Oh, Dutch." "Too many Jell-O shots."
Jell-O is a sweetened gelatin (made from collagen derived from skin, boiled crushed horn, hoof and bones, connective tissues and intestines of domesticated animals) dessert made by General Foods Corporation. Jell-O shots are Jell-O made with booze instead of water and then cut into little squares (a practice which supposedly began on military bases where liquid alcohol is not allowed).
  • "Um, Mr. Rebane, you really can’t see anything." "Shut up and keep filming, Mr. NYU Film Pants."
New York University’s Film School has been teaching film for more than thirty years and is considered one of the country’s finest film schools.
  • "My emergency shipment of Lucky Strikes."
Lucky Strike cigarettes were one of the most popular brands in America during the first half of the twentieth century, and the first brand to be marketed directly to women. An ad campaign in the 1920s urged women worried about their weight to reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet, resulting in the number of teenage girls who smoked tripling in a decade.
  • "I understand you can repair these giant spiders yourself."
One reason that VW Beetles were so popular is that they were relatively easy to repair on the rare occasions when they broke down.
  • "I wish John Agar were here."
John Agar (1921-2002) was an actor who appeared in a stunning number of terrible B movies in the 1950s and 1960s. He has appeared in several MST3K episodes, including The Mole People, Revenge of the Creature, and Women of the Prehistoric Planet. His characters have a reputation among the BBI staff for being maddeningly verbose in a somewhat supercilious manner.
  • "She’s dressed like an Elvis impersonator."
Elvis Presley (1935-1977), the King of Rock and Roll, was one of the most popular musicians from the 1950s until his death in the late 1970s. He was a teen idol in the late 1950s, helped usher in the era of rock and roll, became a movie star, created an enormous and opulent home at Graceland in Memphis, developed problems with drug abuse, and finally died of a heart attack at the age of 42. Since his death, many people have earned a living by donning a sequined jumpsuit and pretending to be the King. There are more than 30 professional Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas alone.
  • "If you see only ten thousand movies this year, make sure this isn’t one of them."
If you see only one movie this year, make it this one is a critic’s quote that has been used for many movies, to the extent that it is now considered trite.
  • "Soon Hitler’s giant mechanical spiders had pushed past the Maginot Line."
The Maginot Line was a giant defensive barrier between France and Germany. It was built by France in the 1930s as a way to defend against another German attack like the one in World War I. Unfortunately for France, when Nazi Germany, under the leadership of Adolf Hitler, finally decided to invade in 1940, they did so by way of Belgium, where the French border was essentially undefended.
  • "These spiders have lousy heaters, though."
The heater in the VW Beetle (see above note) was notoriously terrible. Because the engines were air-cooled, it was difficult to channel excess engine heat into the passenger cabin.
  • "Jog-walk out of danger!"
Jog-walking is an exercise program in which the runner alternates jogging with walking, ultimately working up to five minutes jogging, one minute running. Marathoners sometimes use this approach because it is less likely to lead to cramps and muscle fatigue.
  • "Might as well get my Pall Malls while I’m here."
Pall Malls were one of the first 'premium' brands of cigarettes, debuting early in the 20th century. Between 1960 and 1966 they were the top-selling brand in the country.
  • "Hey, spider, you have a ball hitch? Mine’s busted."
A ball hitch is a type of hitch for automobiles that is commonly used for towing boat trailers and attaching bike racks.
  • "Remember: I mate, then I kill."
The female black widow spider notoriously devours the male after mating is completed, although there is some evidence to suggest that the spider’s lethal reputation has been somewhat exaggerated.
  • "The first extremely tentative atomic test at Alamogordo."
Alamogordo is a town in New Mexico. On July 16, 1945, 60 miles from the air base at Alamogordo, the first atomic bomb was exploded. The following month, the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Japan, ending World War II.
  • "I am death, destroyer of lawns."
J. Robert Oppenheimer (1904-1967), head of the top secret Manhattan Project, has written that when he witnessed the detonation of the first atomic bomb at Alamogordo in 1945 (see previous note), a line from the sacred Hindu text Bhagavad-Gita came into his mind: I am death, destroyer of worlds.
  • "The spider needs a Zantac."
Zantac is an acid reducer used to relieve the symptoms of heartburn. It is available in both prescription and nonprescription forms.
  • "Alan Hale digests a kielbasa."
​Kielbasa, also known as Polish sausage, is a type of sausage frequently flavored with garlic and smoked. It is made from either pork or a mixture of beef and pork.
  • "I guess somebody tampered in God’s domain or something."
A reference to Experiment #423, Bride of the Monster.
The Green Bay Packers are an NFL team based out of Green Bay, Wisconsin. The Packers won Super Bowl XXXI on Jan. 26, 1997 - a mere four months prior to the initial airing of this episode. The repeated cheers for the Packers from the SOL crew also led to considerable interest in this film in online communities when the Packers went up against and beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV in 2011.
  • "This can't be Wisconsin! There's no billboards for Tommy Barlett's water show!"
Tommy Barlett's Thrill Show is a water-skiing attraction that takes place every summer on Lake Delton in Wisconsin.
  • "Realize he doesn't reduce speed when approaching Elroy, Danbury, Tomah."
Those three places are small towns in Wisconsin; other towns, such as Gleason, Baraboo, and New Richmond were mentioned in the riffs.
  • "Velcome to Beer Hall Putsch days!"
The Beer Hall Putsch was a failed attempt to seize power in Munich, Germany which occurred in November 1923, and led by then-Nazi party leader Adolf Hitler.
  • "The mob demands Whoopee John."
"Whoopee John" Wilfahrt (1894-1961) was a polka musician, born in Minnesota.
  • "Does Captain Stubing know you dress like that, Vicky?"
Captain Merrill Stubing was the main character on the 1970s-1980s sitcom The Love Boat, played by Gavin McLeod; his daughter, Vicki, was played by Jill Whelan.
  • "Ah, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable 2 PM beer buzz; ya homesick yet, Mike?"
This refers to the fact that Michael J. Nelson is from Wisconsin.
  • "Nigel Tufnel's playing a guitar solo."
Nigel Tufnel is the frontman of the fictional heavy metal group Spinal Tap, as portrayed by Christopher Guest.
  • "Oh, that would be my shift down at Skipper's."
Skipper's is a restaurant located in Merrill, Wisconsin.
  • "Are we still on for the Richard Feynman lecture?"
Richard Feynman (1911-1988) was a quantum physicist, specializing in quantum electrodynamics.
  • "A way out here they've got a name / Stinky, hairy white guy"
This is a parody of the first line of the Jim Ed Brown & The Browns' song "They Call the Wind Maria."
  • "'Oh no, a spider the size of a Buick is attacking his Buick', I distinctly heard him say."
This is a reference to a couple of Woody Allen's lines in the 1977 film Annie Hall, "Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick" and "I distinctly heard him say 'jew'! Not 'did you', 'jew'!"
  • "I wonder if he bequeathed his Wet Willie albums."
Wet Willie is a Southern rock band who had its heyday in the mid to late-1970s; formed in 1970, the band was still active as of 2017.
  • "R. Crumb is leading them."
R. Crumb (born Robert Crumb in 1943) is a cartoonist famous for Fritz the Cat and the "Keep on Truckin'" posters popular during the 1970s.
  • "Let's go have a nice dinner at The Gobbler."
The Gobbler was a supper club located in Johnson Creek, Wisconsin; after over three decades, the complex was abandoned in 2002 when the last tenant went out of business.
  • "I injected a paralyzing toxin into the sheriff / But I didn't inject a paralyzing toxin into the deputy."
This is a parody of the first lines of the Bob Marley song "I Shot the Sheriff", later covered by Eric Clapton.
  • "Dedicated to the memory of 'Crazy Legs' Elroy Hirsch."
This is an anachronism, as Hirsch, an NFL running back from the mid-1940 until the late 1950s, did not pass away until January 28, 2004, three days before the last broadcast of an episode of MST3K on SciFi.

Memorable Quotes

[First lines of the movie]
Man: Sheriff!
Sheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]: Hey, little buddy!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer]
[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]
Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace.
[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]
Mike: Ugh, he's pink!
Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
Crow[cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!
[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]
Servo [as Dan]: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
. . .
Dan: What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
Mike [as Dan]: Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!
Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]: Packers!
[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]
Crow: Like a rock!
[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]
Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]
Mike: And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it?
[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]
Ev: Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
Crow: Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
Dan[walks toward window]
Servo: Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]
Crow [as Dan]: ...Aryan...Nation...rules...
Dan[excited] Will you look at that!?
Mike [as Dan][excited] I made a [sic] "R"!
[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]
Ev: You look like you could use a drink.
Servo [as Ev]: And a shower, and a job.
Dan: I found another body...
Mike [as Ev]: Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.
[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]
Mike: I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.
[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]
Mike [as Spiders]: We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion!
[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]
Servo [as Spider]: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!
[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
Crow [as a mob member]: Free Bobby Seale!
Servo [as a mob member]: Free Mumia!
Mike [as a mob member]: Free beer!
[Ev pesters Dan while he eats breakfast]
Dan Kester: Let me eat my breakast in peace. I gotta keep up my strength.
Mike [as Dan]: Tearin' food stamps is hard!
Mike: Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?
Gypsy: I put them in a safe place.
Mike: Okay, and where's that?
Gypsy: A place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.
Servo: So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?
[A scene is too dark]
Crow: "Dark? It's not dark," Rebane declared.
Servo: Visuals? For a movie? Who needs them?
[Dan Kester goes to the refrigerator]
Crow [as Dan]: Want a piece of milk?
Sheriff: [on the phone] No, ma'am, I don't have the number.
Servo: Take your time, movie.
Sheriff: All I can tell you is, use the Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking!
[the sheriff laughs]
Crow: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation.
Sheriff: That's funny, I wonder why she hung up on me?
Mike: Maybe your bodily funk travels over the phone lines...
Dan Kester: A man can't get any peace in his own house...
Mike: Well Section 8 owns the house...
Crow: A showered person, thank God...
Dan Kester: Lay off the booze, Ev and they're go away!
Mike: Ya know, in her defense, laying off the booze would mean seeing him sober...
Mike: Bobo, Is that you? I mean, really you?
Bobo: No, it's John Schuck on a bad hair day. Of course it's me, and I'm fine but these two, hoo-hoo-hoo, they really love their zucchinis. In fact they're packin' 'em up so they can deliver zucchinis to their friends all over the galaxy.
Mike: Now, now, now listen very carefully, Bobo. These pods grow aliens who replace your body. If they're loading them into the truck that means the whole galaxy could be in danger.
Bobo: Oh come now, ha. Just because they load a bunch of zucchini throw pillows onto a truck doesn't mean they're trying to take over the galaxy. Haha. Proposterous, typical of you with your back and your Braun hand blenders. Haha. Oh look, I'll just ask her. Oh say, Lawgiver, now are those evil pods? And are you trying to take over the galaxy?
Pearl Forrester: Yes, and yes. Excuse me, please.
Bobo: Well, I guess I can see how you could misconstrue that, Nelson, but I'm still not convinced.
[Bobo tries to take one of the pods but Pearl screeches in an alien like voice]
Bobo: Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.
Mike: Well, again we're doomed.
Crow: [fake-laughing] It's always funny when you turn down tea, then you decide you want tea!
[watching Dan Kester]
Mike: Johnny Crappleseed.
Crow: Paul Infected Bunyan.
Servo: Old McDonald had a cyst.
[watching the giant spider dissolve into a gloppy mess]
Mike: Ew, the spider needs a Zantac.
Servo: Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.
Crow: "It Came from Planet Gross-Out."
[An asteroid shaped like a sperm approaches Earth]
Crow: I hope Earth has its diaphragm on.
[first lines]
Mike: Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here. Welcome to the Satellite...
Servo: [dressed as a cheerleader] Are you ready for some spee-rit!
Servo: If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.
[last lines]
Pearl Forrester: You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again.
Mike and the 'Bots: [over the end credits] Movie sign! Again!

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