Dear Counselor Troi: I waited at Denny’s but you didn’t meet me!

Dear Agent Scully: Did not appreciate your lawyer's tone.

  — Mike & Tom (mimicking Troy writing a letter)


The Movie

Synopsis

Zap Rowsdower (Bruce J. Mitchell)

In the first scene of the film, hooded men chase a lone man through a snowy forest. A shot rings out and the opening credits roll.

The protagonist, Troy McGreggor, finds a map belonging to his late father, who was shot seven years earlier, as the first scene depicts. Troy’s father, Thomas, was an archeologist who met his untimely death after becoming involved in a plot with a mysterious cult led by a strange man named Satoris (Shane Marceau). The orphaned Troy decides to follow the map to learn about the circumstances of his father's death. The cultists learn about Troy and his father's map and begin chasing him in a black Ford Torino, but Troy escapes by outrunning them on his 10-speed bicycle. The cultists refuse to give up, however, and in a final attempt to escape, Troy jumps into the back of a battered pickup truck heading into the Alberta countryside. The truck belongs to a drifter with the unusual name of Zap Rowsdower. At first Rowsdower considers turning Troy over to the police, but after Troy helps him to fix his broken-down truck, he decides to let Troy stay with him. At a campfire that night Troy asks Rowsdower lots of questions, which irritates the grumpy Rowsdower, who drinks lots of beer and rubs his tattooed left arm as if he's in pain.

Troy McGreggor (Christian Malcolm)

The map leads Troy and Rowsdower all over Alberta, through some hidden caves, and finally to the unkempt house of a grizzled fugitive by the name of Mike Pipper (Ron Anderson). Pipper was apartner of Troy’s father (Pipper Partner), and has been hiding in the woods from Satoris for seven years. Pipper reveals that the cultists are the last descendants of an ancient and advanced race called the Ziox, who had inhabited the area long before the Indians, and whose civilization was destroyed by their god in a month-long rainstorm after they turned to worshiping unholy idols. According to Pipper, the Ziox built a great city that was more advanced than "anything the ancient Egyptians or Romans ever knew." He believes that Satoris wants to raise the buried city in hopes that it will restore power to the Ziox and allow him to conquer/rule the entire world. Pipper also casually mentions that Rowsdower once belonged to the evil cult and may have killed Troy’s father. Rowsdower reveals he has the cult’s insignia branded on his arm, like the other cultists. Satoris seems to be able to torment Rowsdower through the mark, as we see Rowsdower writhing in agony while asleep, presumably having a Satoris-induced nightmare.

Eventually, Troy is captured by Satoris and his cult, who use the map to locate their ancient idol. Satoris means to make Troy the titular final sacrifice. It’s up to Rowsdower to save Troy and put an end to the cult’s activities. Pipper gives him his horse and an old rifle, and directs him to the ancient Ziox sacrifice site that he was able to decipher from Troy's map. Rowsdower stumbles upon the site of the idol and begins to duel with Satoris, who reveals that when the moment came, Rowsdower could not bring himself to kill Troy’s father and Satoris had to do it himself. Satoris is about to kill Rowsdower when Troy manages to intervene, shooting the cult leader in the back with Rowsdower’s rifle. Satoris’ death causes the destruction of the idol and the reemergence of the lost city of Ziox, indicating that Satoris was the true final sacrifice. Instead of bringing about evil, the risen city (as Pipper had foretold) is actually a force for good, and Satoris' cult breaks up as its members are freed from his evil influence. Troy and Rowsdower observe the rise of the lost city from the ground, then the two heroes drive off together.

Information

  • The evil cult from The Final Sacrifice

    The Final Sacrifice, also known as Quest for the Lost City, is an independent film directed by Tjardus Greidanus in 1990 while he was a freshman at Southern Alberta Institute of Technology. The student film was made on a budget of approximately $1,500 using cameras borrowed from the school, and none of the cast (made up of local theater actors and SAIT students) were paid for their roles in the film.
  • Bruce J. Mitchell, who portrays Zap Rowsdower, is confused with Christian Malcolm, who plays Troy, in the closing credits. According to Mitchell, the film ran out of money to fix it, and the mistake remained in the film.[1]
  • Malcolm was a drama student at SAIT and co-wrote the screenplay.[2]
  • The working title for the film was The Dawn of Ziox.[3]
  • During the film, a distinctive crow caw sound can be heard several times. This is a stock sound effect, used most famously on The Simpsons during establishing shots of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
  • One of only seven films shot in the 1990s to be featured on the series.
  • The woman holding the wine glass in the photo on the dash of Zap's truck is Bruce J. Mitchell's wife, Angela.

The Episode

Host Segments

Crow and Servo go looting

  • Prologue: Gypsy has to turn off the power, and Mike warns the bots not to loot, but they do it anyway. Crows steals his own TV and Tom gets Mike's recycling. They're not very good looters.
  • Segment 1: Pearl tries to rule the world one person at a time. She tries with her first victim, but fails. Tom is next on the list, but Pearl fails again. Brain Guy sends the movie while she thinks how to rule the world
  • Segment 2: Tom sings The Canada Song to try to stop Mike and Crow from making fun of Canada, but soon starts impugning the country as well.

    Mike & the Bots perform "The Canada Song"

  • Segment 3: Bobo ate a bad can of Canadian Bacon and got hockey hair. Soon, everyone gets it, except for Mike who already had it from 1982-1992.
  • Segment 4: Crow and Tom are trying to find out how to get rid of their Hockey hair, when they discover that Mike has gotten grizzled old prospector's syndrome.
  • Segment 5: Crow and Tom start a cult of their own, but freak Mike out with the un-culty things they do. Meanwhile, Pearl tries a new strategy to rule the world one person at a time.
  • Stinger: Troy lying in front of a fire and saying "Rowsdower".

Hockey Hair strikes Castle Forrester

MST3K cast

Regular cast

Guest cast

Trivia

Callbacks

Goofs

  • As Rowsdower is being chased by a cult member in a pickup truck, Crow remarks, "Oh no! He's got a Chevy! They're so dependable!" despite the truck having a GMC logo prominently visible on its grille.

Quotes and References

  • "Now I have to listen to As It Happens."
As It Happens is a Canadian interview show that airs on CBC Radio One. It consists of telephone interviews with newsmakers and other persons of interest.
  • "Randy Bachman is being pursued by sado-masochists!"
Randy Bachman is a Canadian musician and radio personality best known as a founding member of the bands The Guess Who and Bachman–Turner Overdrive.
  • "And I will be the one / To hold Larry Csonka down / Kiss him so hard / I'll take Larry Csonka's breath away..."
A parody of the 1993 song "Possession" by Canadian singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan, which is about stalking (the crew makes various jokes about Troy stalking Larry Csonka).
  • "He's working on his Bud Cort scrapbook."
Bud Cort is an actor who played the male protagonist in the classic film Harold and Maude. Troy bears a vague resemblance to Cort's appearance in that film.
  • "Mrs. Costanza!"
Estelle Costanza is a character on the sitcom Seinfeld, portrayed by Estelle Harris .
  • "Free pictures of Brian Mulroney with fill-up!"
Brian Mulroney is a retired Canadian politician who served as the 18th prime minister of Canada from 1984 to 1993.
  • "Course, the clock's set to Miami time."
Larry Csonka is a former NFL running back who played for the Miami Dolphins for the majority of his career. The guy in the photo resembles Csonka—mostly because of the moustache.
  • "Hey! El Santo!"
A thug in a ski mask can be seen through the window sneaking through the yard. El Santo is the masked luchador (Mexican wrestler) who starred in Samson vs. the Vampire Women.
Michael Feinstein is a pianist and songwriter known for his cabaret style of playing. This riff seems to play on the notion that the effete Troy must be a lover of musicals, as Michael Feinstein isn't known for playing baseball. Michael J. Nelson had played Feinstein on the show in earlier seasons.
  • "The McCulloch's are here!"
McCulloch Motors Corporation is an American manufacturer of chainsaws and other outdoor power tools.
  • "Oh, I love trash!" [Car collides with trashcan] "Ow!"
"I Love Trash" is a song written by Jeff Moss and sung by the Sesame Street Muppet character Oscar the Grouch, who lives in a trash can.
  • "Well, let's just go get some bullwhips and pose for Mapplethorpe."
A reference to the work of photographer Robert Mapplethorpe, whose most controversial works documented and examined the homosexual male BDSM subculture of New York City in the late 1960s and early 1970s.
  • "And they take refuge in the Anne Murray National Forest."
Anne Murray is a Canadian singer. She does not have a National Forest named after her.
  • "I solved Myst in ten minutes, why can't I do this?"
The quote presumably refers to Myst, an early-90's computer game. Myst is alternately loved/hated for its many intricate puzzles. This riff plays on the notion that completing the game in ten minutes would indicate significant skill at solving such puzzles, but also implies nerdiness.
  • "I know all the songs from Once Upon a Mattress."
Once Upon a Mattress is a slightly bawdy musical comedy based on Hans Christian Andersen's "The Princess and the Pea".
  • "He's wearing fashions by Mac Davis."
Mac Davis was a country music singer and songwriter best known for the song "It's Hard To Be Humble". During his early career he wrote for Elvis Presley.
  • "I found a kid in the back of my truck." "And Play is in the front seat."
Kid 'n Play is a hip-hop duo from New York City that was popular in the late 1980s and early 1990s.
  • "This is no time for zymurgy!"
Spoken by Crow when Rowsdower pours gasoline into a beer bottle to make a Molotov cocktail to throw at the cultists chasing their truck. Zymurgy is the study of fermentation, more notably, the study for alcohol beverages like beer and wine.
  • "If this doesn't work, I'll throw balls of carp dough!"
Carp dough is homemade fishing bait used specifically to catch carp.
  • "Canadian MANNIX!"
Mannix! is an American detective TV series that ran from 1967 to 1975 on CBS. The show's hero often gets his car run off the road by another car in the same fashion as in this movie.
  • "It's a cult." "They worship Blue Oysters."
Blue Öyster Cult is an American rock band that formed in 1967.
  • "If you find a package store, get me some Yukon Jack."
Yukon Jack is a Canadian honey-based liqueur, made from Canadian whisky and honey, advertised as “The Black Sheep of Canadian Liquors”.
  • "My Hawkwind album cover will help!"
Hawkwind are an English rock band known as one of the earliest space rock groups.
  • "A treasury of Sergio Aragonés sketches."
Sergio Aragonés is a cartoonist who created cartoons in the margins of Mad magazine. He also created the comic book Groo the Wanderer.
  • "I'm sorry, what was that about Burton Cummings?"
Burton Cummings is a Canadian musician and was the lead singer of the band The Guess Who for a number of years.
  • "I can see why Quebec wants to be separate from all this."
The Quebec sovereignty movement refers to the history and present status of multiple multilateral political movements aimed at attaining statehood for the Canadian province of Quebec. Three years before the episode first aired, the movement had suffered a narrow defeat in a national referendum.
  • "It's just a jackalope."
The jackalope is a mythical animal of North American folklore (a fearsome critter) described as a jackrabbit with antelope horns. Taxidermied specimens are popular novelty items in some rural areas.
  • "Geddy Lee's birthplace!"
Geddy Lee is the lead singer, bassist, and keyboardist for Canadian progressive rock band Rush.
  • "The guy upstairs has bad enuresis."
Enuresis is a condition in which one has lost the ability to control their urination. 
  • Crow: "It's Heckle!" Tom: "No it's clearly Jeckle."
Heckle and Jeckle are cartoon magpies from Terrytoons Studios. They are basically identical.
  • "Gordon Lightfoot at home."
Gordon Lightfoot is a Canadian singer and songwriter best know for his songs "Sundown" and "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald".
  • "I was gonna sing something from Bone Machine."
Bone Machine is a 1992 album by the raspy-voiced singer Tom Waits.
  • "Oh! Another MI!"
MI is an abbreviation of myocardial infarction, which is the clinical term for a heart attack.
  • "If women don't find you handsome hope they at least find you handy."
The raspy-voiced hermit sounds similar to handyman Red Green from the Canadian TV comedy The Red Green Show, as portrayed by comedian Steve Smith. The "Handyman Corner" segment customarily concluded with the aphorism, "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."
MST3K_910_Promo

MST3K 910 Promo

  • "I'm just remembering a scene from Bio-Dome."
Bio-Dome is a 1996 comedy film starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin in which they inadvertently become trapped in a "bio-dome", a form of closed ecological system. The film has themes of environmentalism, combined with drug use, sexual innuendo, and toilet humor.
  • "Look into your heart, eh?"
A reference to the 1990 movie Miller's Crossing, in which the character Bernie uses that phrase (minus the "eh") to plead for his life in very similar circumstances. "Eh" is a spoken interjection in English that is most commonly associated with Canada and Canadian English.

Memorable Quotes

[On the SOL, Gypsy turned off the power for maintenance. The Bots have looted the SOL]
Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.
[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]
Mike: I understand everything up to the word "A".
Crow: He comes from a long line of great anuses.
. . .
Crow: That's an anagram for "direct to video!"
[On the name Bharbara Egan.]
Crow: That's an illegal use of a silent consonant!
[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]
Mike: You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it.
Servo: Already.
[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: [confused] I guess.
[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]
Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
. . .
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to—
Tom: [sharply] No.
Mike: ...Sorry.
. . .
[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.
[Troy enters his attic.]
Mike: Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays.
. . .
[Troy opens a trunk.]
Crow [as Troy]: This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
Servo: Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
Mike [as Troy]: I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
. . .
Servo [as Troy]: Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk.
[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]
Crow [as Troy]: Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon.
[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]
Mike: Larry Czonka!
[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]
Servo [as Troy]: Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
Crow [as Troy]: I've got to find the warranty on this sweater.
[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "LEMON MINE".]
Mike: No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!!
[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]
Servo: It's open!
. . .
Crow [as henchman]: Can I interest you in a replacement door?
[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. [N]
[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]
Mike [as Cultist]: Damn you, Pee-Wee!
[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]
Crow: Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.
Zap Rowsdower: What's your name, laddie?
Troy: Troy MacGregor.
Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
Crow: Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater!
[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]
Mike: Rowsdowermobile, away!
Servo: And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta!
[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]
Crow: [frustrated] I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here!
[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]
Zap Rowsdower: Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow [as Rowsdower]: They're from Saskatchewan!
Troy: No.
Zap Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Servo [as Rowsdower]: They worship blue oysters.
Zap Rowsdower: They want to rule the world.
Troy: How do you know?
Zap Rowsdower: I've been around, kid.
Crow [as Rowsdower]: And I've been a square kid.
Servo: D'oh!
[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]
Mike: [imitating the engine] Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...
Rowsdower: Go to hell!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Or at least Edmonton!
[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]
Troy: FOOD!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Yeah, no beer, though.
Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?!
Servo [as Troy]: More FOOD!
Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?!
Crow [as Troy]: We were eating your FOOD!
[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]
Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!
[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]
Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
. . .
Crow: [singing] You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...
Crow and Servo: We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
Crow: SING IT!
[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]
Crow: We will, we... [normally] Oh, guess that's over.
[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]
Servo [as Satoris]: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN THE BUTT!
[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]
Servo: Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
Crow: He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
Mike: With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
Crow: He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
Mike: But at least we didn't have to see him play [falters] h-hackey sack....
Servo: What?!
Mike: Sorry, I panicked.
[At the end of the Canada-bashing skit]
Servo: "I have no sense of proportion. I'm a disgrace to my uniform. [...] Pardonnez-moi! Pardonnez-moi!"

Video releases

MST3K DVD Cover

References

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