"Monster RSVP" / "Monster Thanksgiving" is a song performed by Jonah Heston, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo during Experiment 1311.
Set-Up[]
[On the Satellite of Love, Jonah Heston and the Bots are in their Halloween costumes. A laptop is sitting on the table between them.]
Jonah Heston: Okay, so we've got our Halloween costumes, kind of. And we went trick-or-treating, kind of. But no Halloween is complete without an irritatingly-catchy, death-trivializing novelty song.
Crow T. Robot: Ooh, can we make up our own novelty song? And can it be about monsters going to a party?
Jonah: Well, good news, Crow. By law, all Halloween novelty songs have to be about monsters going to a party. Thing is, the Halloween tastemakers forget that there's still so many modern monsters that haven't gotten written into a party song.
Tom Servo: Well, maybe it's time we gave them a shot.
[music starts]
Jonah: Let's do it.
Lyrics[]
TOM
I was sitting at my laptop late Saturday night
Sending out my Halloween party e-vite (Jonah Heston: Oooh.)
Every monster got one but to my surprise
Midnight struck, I started getting their replies (Jonah Heston: What?)
Jason said he's staying home and sharpening his axes (Jonah Heston: Okay.)
Frankenstein, he needs time to finish up his taxes (Jonah Heston: Taxes?)
Norman Bates, his mom's in town, Jigsaw's toilet's leaking (Jonah Heston: What?)
The Mummy and the Shining twins have plans to go antiquing (Jonah Heston: Aw!)
CROW & JONAH
So they can't come!
TOM
They all said sorry, can't come
CROW & JONAH
They can't come!
TOM
I couldn't even get some
CROW & JONAH
They can't come!
CROW
I bet you feel real dumb
CROW & JONAH
They won't come!
TOM
Why won't they come?
JONAH
Igor borrowed corpses, now he's gotta go replant 'em
Dracula's begging off 'cause he's got tickets to see Phantom?
CROW
The Golem's still hungover from the Yom Kippur he hosted (Jonah Heston: Well...)
I called five separate times but the Candyman just ghosted
JONAH
Oogie Boogie's putting up his Christmas decorations
And Leatherface is busy... leatherfacin'!? (Wha-?)
CROW
Cujo's getting neutered, Dr. Jekyll is on call
Chucky's got a hot date with the Annabelle doll (Jonah: The Annabelle doll!? C'mon!)
CROW & JONAH
So they can't come!
TOM
They all said sorry, can't come
CROW & JONAH
They can't come!
TOM
And now I feel like a bum
CROW & JONAH
They can't come!
JONAH
Buck up there, old chum
CROW & JONAH
They won't come!
CROW
Monsters, please come! (Jonah Heston: Yeah!)
TOM
Blob and all the Cenobites have hit the club with Freddy
Bigfoot and the Wolfman both are getting mani-pedis
JONAH
It's such a major bummer that nobody will come over
TOM
Oh geez, I even got blown off by Casper...
CROW
Krumm...
JONAH
And Grover.
[music stops]
Crow T. Robot: Ouch!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that one cuts deep.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, I mean, technically Casper's not even a monster.
Tom Servo: Not helping, Crow.
Crow T. Robot: Is it dead?
Jonah Heston: At least Jeepers Creepers didn't show...
[Intermission Sign blinks]
Jonah Heston: Oh, we got Intermission Sign.
[Jonah taps his laptop and scene fades to intermission]
"Monster Thanksgiving"[]
[On the Satellite of Love]
Jonah Heston: I've gotta say, I'm pretty disappointed that no monsters came over to the party. And the song never got off the ground, either.
Tom Servo: Yeah, well, maybe it was flawed from the beginning. Should never invite monsters over on Halloween.
Crow T. Robot: It's literally their busiest night of the year.
Jonah Heston: Yeah. Wait, hold on, maybe that's it. What if we just invited all the monsters over on a day where they're not doing anything? Cambot, hit it!
[music starts up again]
Jonah Heston:Alright, let's just go with it, okay?
JONAH
Vampires, wolfmen, and zombies dismembered
TOM
Were coming over on the fourth Thursday of November
CROW
A smorgasbord of dishes for the living and deceased
ALL
It's a hairy-scary, spooky-ooky, Turkey Day feast! (Tom Servo: Yes!)
CROW & JONAH
They will come
[Movie sign blares and everybody runs off]
Credits[]
- Music and lyrics by Storm Dicostanzo and Paul Sabourin
- Performed by Jonah Ray, Baron Vaughn and Hampton Yount